How To Handle Two-Faced Compliments

The last few days have been spent in the middle of nowhere, Georgia, working out and chatting about leveling up our health and happiness all day long with 150 of my people–fitness nerds. The very first Camp Nerd Fitness was a roaring success; every one of us came away from it with huge smiles, tons of new bada** tricks and tips and about 149 new friends.I was honored to be invited as a teacher. I taught a bootcamp very similar to my Strong Inside Out Tour Bootcamp with a new theme: I'm A Hero. Naturally, it went really well with this crowd of comic book, anime, sci-fi and fantasy nerds! I also taught 2 separate workshops: "Exercise and Depression," and "Body Image and Self-Esteem."After the lecture portion of the Body Image and Self-Esteem session, I opened up the floor to Q&A. Interesting and inspiring stories and questions spilled out of people (which was awesome because there's nothing worse than opening up to Q&A and hearing crickets). The room's questions started to shift toward being able to accept compliments, as many of us with low self-esteem search for the lie within the compliment instead of the truth.I noticed a girl in the back of the class with her hand raised patiently. I called on her."I've lost 40 pounds," started the girl. Immediately, roars of applause and celebration filled the room. These were the kind of amazing people at this Camp–super supportive and eager to acknowledge positive changes in other campers' lives.The girl looked a bit embarrassed, but also thankful for the praise. After the woohoos and clapping died down, she went on.

"The comments I get from friends are often two-faced, though. They'll compliment me on everything I've done and how I look, and immediately follow up with a self-deprecating comment about why they can't do what I've done, or how they hate the shape that they're in right now. I just don't know what to say, or how to accept those compliments when they come up. What would you do?"

What a great question. It's hard to hear someone putting themselves down while complimenting you in the same sentence. It makes you feel guilty for the positive changes you worked so hard to create. Your immediate reaction is probably to even out the equation by either telling them that the changes you've made aren't a huge deal (which is a lie), or denying the negatives that they brought up about themselves (which may also be a lie).What do you say to people who throw these kinds of comments at you? You might argue back, pointing them to the truth that they can in fact change their life if they want to, but there's a time a place for that, and not everyone is ready to hear it without taking it as a jab, which could inflict more self-confidence issues.What I ended up telling this brave woman with the excellent question is a process that I wanted to share and expand upon with you here on SIO. You can start using it yourself to look for the good in these kinds of compliments, without being made to feel guilty about changing your life for the better. In fact, these steps might help the person inflicting this situation on you to change their lives, too.

1. Breathe before you speak

Before you say any gut-reaction phrases to deflect their two-faced compliment (and later internalize that hurt and guilt), take a breath. It might feel awkward to take that moment before interjecting, but you'd be surprised how quickly you can take a breath to calm your brain down. The other person probably won't even notice.

2. Where is this comment coming from?

The words they're saying are likely not coming from how they feel about you as a person, but about the feelings they have about what you've accomplished. Maybe they feel guilty or weak for not trying. Maybe they're jealous because they've tried before and failed. Maybe they're just despairing and looking for support to try again.Explore the idea that this is more about them than you.Realizing that their comments don't have to do with you as a person can help you distance yourself from the guilt and pain you might feel from their comment, and answer from the heart instead of from your defense system.

3. Acknowledge their compliment

You worked hard to get where you are. It didn't happen overnight, and it sure as heck didn't happen without a fight. Your actions deserve praise. Allow yourself to accept the positive side of this person's comment. If you have a hard time accepting praise, at least accept it as a possibility. A few perspective shifting cues to help you through that:

• What reason does this person have to lie to you?
• The evidence you're bringing up in your head to argue against this compliment is biased.
• If you still have a long way to go, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy and celebrate what you've accomplished this far.
• This person cares enough to lift you up. That love's gotta be worth something.

4. Ask how you can help

After acknowledging their compliment, lovingly call them on their stuff. If they say they "wish they could..." or that they'd "never be able to..." or they say something negative about themselves in their current state, let them know that they in fact can, if they want to, and that you're here to support them taking the first step (or if you can't offer that right now, direct them to a resource that really helped you make the change).  Here's a script you might be able to use:

"Thank you! You know, if I'm reading you right and it's really bothering you, I'm happy to help you through what I've done. I won't lie- it took a lot of work, but I'm here to support you if you want to go for it."

By saying "if I'm reading you right," you give them the option of the out without embarrassment or confidence-killing effects later. If you want to–especially if this person has a history of not liking their body–you can add that your comment has nothing to do with the way you feel about them or their body, but that you just want to see them happy. Their comments make it seem like they are not happy.If these compliments come from this person pretty often, I'm willing to bet that this process puts an end to their recurrence. If it doesn't, feel free to remind them that you're there to help. Feel free to tell them that if it bothers them, there are other options. Feel free to remind them that their worth isn't determined by their jean size and that they are inherently loved, worthy and beautiful, even if they can't see that yet.I've had a weekend of handstands, rock star yoga, teaching some of the best classes I've ever taught, and screaming "I'm a hero!" at the top of my lungs. I'm beat, but it's a blessed beat. I highly suggest saving up for next year's camp- there's no way I'll miss it.Stay strong,AmyP.S. If you're in New England, I want to see you at Solid Body Fitness for the Boston Strong Inside Out Tour Stop in just under 2 weeks! It's going to be a rocking good time. Don't miss it; click here for more info!