Mirror Work (that's not cheesy)
When I mention "mirror work," I usually hear one of a few different responses from clients:
I love mirror work! It changed my life.
It's too woo/cheesy for me.
It's one of those dive in or never get in kinda topics, and no wonder. The typical mirror work that you'll hear about has you saying super-positive affirmations into the mirror–affirmations that may be so positive that the brain rejects them because they're so opposite what you currently believe!
So today, I'm introducing a new kind of mirror work than what you've probably learned before. This kind of mirror work isn't designed to change your negative thoughts to positive ones, but to stop the habit of negative mirror responses instead.
My Experience
Mirror Work (that's not cheesy) by @stronginsideout
In the past, I've used mirror work with some success, but I never stuck with it long enough to see long-lasting results. Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life was my first personal development book, and she's THE teacher of mirror work. If you're a fan of super-positive affirmations, she's your gal. I always felt like the mirror work part was too corny for me.
A few months ago, I brought up something up in therapy that's been happening to me for a few years, but never thought to face it head on.
When I do my hair or makeup in front of the mirror, I find that my mind hurls me into stories that involve me feeling wronged and outraged. Stories that would probably never ever happen suck me in like they're happening in the present. Because of that, I end up with a lot of physical tension, anger, fear and shame when I walk away from the mirror... from something that never even happened.
When I told my therapist about this, she pointed out how interesting it was that this all happened in front of the mirror where I tend to feel the most shame (she's the therapist who helped me through the meaty part of healing my eating disorder). Then, she asked how often I actually make eye contact with myself in said mirror."Uhhhhhh, never?" I replied, already weirded out at the idea of doing it.Upon hearing my response, she told me why she asked:
"You're so uncomfortable with looking at yourself in the mirror that your brain creates stories to keep you where it's comfortable."
I had never thought about it like that before, but when she said it, I felt it in my bones to be true.
Shame is my mind's safe place. F**ked up, right?
I feel comfortable there because I've lived in it for so long. While I've been doing work focused on releasing shame for the past few years, it's still the default for me. I guess my brain still uses it as a sort of protection mechanism.
Anger, however, is an extremely uncomfortable place for me. I avoid conflict at all costs and still have a hard time stating boundaries with people who push them (I do it anyway, but with a lot of discomfort). Often, when I feel shame looking in the mirror, I and up getting angry at myself for whatever I see. Even anger at myself is uncomfortable.
My therapist went on to explain that because I feel so uncomfortable with anger, my mind makes up stories to "validate" the anger that I'm feeling. I put "validate" in quotes because I logically believe that anger doesn't need to have a valid reason; emotionally in my core, however, I'm still learning this.
That's when she recommended starting mirror work. I've been doing it for a couple of months now and it's made a big difference. I'm much more aware of my automatic mirror responses now, and I'm usually able to stop them before they go too deep down the rabbit hole, making for a much more pleasant post-mirror experience.
The mirror work I'm about to share with you is derived and tweaked from the exercise my therapist taught me to break the negative response cycle. It's my wish for you that you'll take this mirror work and use it to turn your negative mirror responses around, too.
A Different Kind of Mirror Work
This kind of mirror work is different than the mirror work you've read about in the past. We're not aiming for positivity as much as we are to simply deal with what causes us to react in certain ways when we get in front of the mirror.
This kind of mirror work is for anyone who feels uncomfortable in front of the mirror.
It's not just about body image; it's about going to that "comfort zone" of shame, anger, anxiety or fear. This mirror work is for anyone who has a hard time looking in the mirror and coming away feeling the same as before they looked in the mirror.
This work is presented in layered stages. I only want you to move onto the next stages when you truly feel ready to. Don't force yourself to do anything; just let it come as the willingness opens up.
If at any point through this work, you start feeling unsafe, stop and talk to a mental health professional about approaching it together. Please read my disclaimer for the full info.
First Stage: Become Aware of Your Response
The very first stage of this kind of mirror work is to become aware of what happens when you look in the mirror. This could take anywhere from a day to a few weeks of focused awareness.
The Why:
In order to change anything, you must first become aware of what needs changing. This is where we take that step.Awareness allows you to more precisely pinpoint how you'll approach the latter 2 stages of this process. Without it, you might end up making shots in the dark.
How you do it:
Put a reminder (such as a post it or a less-conspicuous string tied around your hair dryer) that will alert you to check in with yourself while you do what you do in front of the mirror.
Be aware of what happens without trying to change it. What is your mind trying to escape or distract yourself from with this response?
When you've become aware of your typical responses to being in front of the mirror and you feel ready, move onto the second stage.
Second Stage: Make Eye Contact
Mirror Work (that's not cheesy) by @stronginsideout
Ok, so this is where it starts to get weird.For most of us who struggle with looking in the mirror, making eye contact with ourselves is bound to be capital U Uncomfortable at first. It's an important part of the process, though.
The Why:
Mirror work needs to be done eye to eye to work. Otherwise, it's just good ol' self-talk...which is also great, but not what we're working on here.Negative responses from looking in the mirror usually serve as distractions from what's real in the here and now. Our goal is to get you back to what's real: you.
While making eye contact with yourself in the mirror isn't the most comfortable thing to do, it also makes it really difficult to search for things you don't like in the mirror, or to get lost in stories. It acts as a FULL STOP for those typical responses and lets your brain know that shit's about to go down...in a good way!
How you do it:
Become aware of your automatic response to being in front of the mirror.
Take a deep breath.
Make eye contact and hold it for at least 20 seconds. Let emotions come if they're present.
Take a deep breath after you look away.
If you can do more than 20 seconds, awesome! If you'd really rather not, no need.When you're looking into your own eyes, let any emotions flow that come up. Face what's real for you in that moment.
Third Stage: Be There For Yourself
Ready for the most woo part of this? Don't worry, I'm not going to spray proverbial glitter up your ass. We're just going to learn how to deal with what's real by having a hearty sit-down (or stand up) with ourselves.
The Why:
The kinds of automatic responses that we're talking about here often spur self-talk in one of the following categories:
Beating yourself up
Victim mode
MUST FIX NOW!!!
None of those areas is helpful for breaking the cycle of your automatic mirror response because none of them help you deal with what's going on in there. In fact, all of those kinds of self-talk just feed it.
Instead, you're going to learn how to really have your own back, and there's a couple of ways you can do that.
How you do it:
Become aware of your automatic response to being in front of the mirror.
Take a deep breath.
Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror.
Maintain eye contact as you call out what's going on, and talk yourself back to a neutral or empowered place by directly addressing what you're escaping or distracting yourself from (yes, out loud).
Take a deep breath before breaking eye contact, then go about the rest of your day.
This can be anything from, "We're ok," to "You're the most beautiful piece of ass on this planet." What's important, however, is that whatever you say rings true to you.
Let's break it down. Here's how my mirror work typically goes:
I recognize that I'm playing out a fight with a friend in my head while I'm putting moisturizer on my face. I noticed some acne scars on my chin that are taking forever to go away.
Deep breath.
Eye contact.
While maintaining eye contact: "You're ok. You're playing out this story because you feel ashamed for how your skin looks, which makes you angry...which you're uncomfortable with, so your mind is making up a story in which anger would be 'valid.' Your shame comes from a place of thinking that anything less than perfect is unworthy. You don't need to have perfect skin to be worthy. Your imperfections don't make or break you. You're doing just fine. You're much more than your looks. I know it's hard to believe that sometimes, but it's true. It's ok that you feel angry, but forgiveness for yourself might be more helpful here. Hang in there. You're doing great."
Deep breath to release the discomfort, then I look away.
Woof. It's hard to write all of that down. I'm hoping it'll help you find your way with this mirror work. You can see how personal it has to be in order to really resonate.
Make this mirror work your own. That's how you're going to make the most progress possible with it.
Last Thing...
Because so many of us struggle with perfectionism, let me just say this: This doesn't have to be perfect to be helpful.
You don't have to be on a regimented schedule to make progress. The process doesn't have to be exactly like what I describe to have a positive effect. It's all about you making it your own.
I wish you the very best in practicing this mirror work and I sincerely hope it helps you gain more awareness and freedom from those pesky mirror demons.
Hugs n' fist bumps,
Amy
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