Returning to Maternity Leave
After 2 months back in the SIO saddle, I've made a difficult decision: I'm returning to maternity leave. I'm putting everything except for my coaching back on pause for another few months.
When I came back to work 2 months after giving birth to Maya, I got an earful. Everyone told me when I came back that I was coming back too quick, but I didn't believe them. My work doesn't feel like work, I thought. I'll be fine!
Not only was I wrong, but I've gotten to know something new about myself that's calling me to heal deeper.
In these past 2 months, I've realized how much of my worth I've tied up in my work and having a career.
I've had a really hard time relaxing and enjoying this time with my new baby because I feel like I constantly have to be pushing Strong Inside Out forward. This compulsion has me hustling from a place of lack instead of sharing this message with the world, which is where Strong Inside Out vibrates highest.
At the same time, I feel guilt for leaving my baby with someone else while I work. I work from home literally a few feet from where my daughter plays, and I struggle with not being connected to her every single second of the day. I've had a hard time finding the balance between being the strong role model I want to be for her, and just being there for my baby girl.
I was going to keep coasting through this uncertain, rough road of being back to work. I thought that since every working mother goes through it, I could, too. This is just how it's supposed to feel, I thought. Then, it got serious.
About 2 weeks ago, I got one really shitty night of sleep and everything shifted big time:
I lost interest in doing things.
I started feeling disconnected from my husband and my daughter.
I felt on the edge of tears all the time.
The only part of my day I'd look forward to was going to sleep.
You might recognize those symptoms. I definitely did. I went into my next therapy appointment knowing what I needed to talk about: my depression was back in the picture. After a 3-year dry spell, this was no small deal.
When I told my therapist I thought I was depressed, she asked what percentage of my depression was the overwhelm from my responsibilities at work. Without thinking, I replied, "85%."
After talking through it for a while, I came to realize that pushing through with work was taking a bigger toll than I thought. Even though I love what I do, I was feeling stretched too thin. I started going into overwhelm shutdown mode, a state that my fellow depressives probably know all too well.
My therapist urged me to pull back as much as felt right. As soon as I agreed, it felt like magic; the depression lightened and I felt a massive sense of relief...and it hasn't returned since.
So with her encouragement, I'm returning to maternity leave.
...or at least semi-maternity leave. I'll be focusing on coaching only for the next few months. The Raucous Weekend will still be available for sign up and Mental Optics is here for you if you want some extra guidance with your mindset. Articles, emails and social media, however, are going to be less frequent or on pause completely.
I'm going to be honest: this is really hard for me. I've never not worked, and–gratefully–it's a privilege I have available to me right now. One that I feel I need to take advantage of in order to heal this need to prove myself through my work, and to treasure this precious time with Maya.
So with hesitation, but an undeniable sense of right-ness, I'm signing off for a little bit. Thank you for being here and for *hopefully* understanding. I hope my move inspires you to be bold in your self-care, too.
All Love,
Amy