Sabotunities: Opportunities In Disguise
Today, while studying for my Precision Nutrition Certification, I received an email.From a casting director.For an acting audition.Cue anxiety attack.I haven't gone out on an audition in about a year and a half, nor have I actively sought to go on one!It was a simple, straight-forward email: date (tomorrow) and time (late morning), role (hostess) and script attached. And a polite request: Please confirm.I started to panic. All my fight or flight responses went up and that all-to-familiar anxiety clawed it's way from my stomach up my chest and into my face.I would have killed for an audition like this when I was acting! This casting director remembered me! She chose me!All of a sudden, I was swimming in a world of uncertainty.
You should go! Why say no?! Don't pass up this opportunity!
You don't do that anymore- all it brings you is anxiety and doubt. It's just a little part anyway.
Faced with a different scenario than I've ever been in, I can't choose whether or not to go.It's all the way in Hollywood, which would take me about 45 minutes to get there. My headshots (pictures) are at a friend's house in the valley, another 45 minutes out of the way. I don't have any resumes printed...Am I just making excuses? Am I trying to talk my way out of it?Pause. Be honest.Yes.Pause. Examine.Why?*deep breath*Release.Because I don't want to feel what I felt back when I was acting ever again. For a bit part that requires me to hand menus to the lead and say, "A table just opened up by the bathroom," I am riddled with panic, frustration, guilt, and worry!Would these feelings go away if I went? No! It would get worse as the post-traumatic stress kicked into gear on the drive over, in the waiting room, in front of the camera with the overworked casting interns blandly reading me lines to react to...The reason I left acting was because I hated the way I was treated, hated the Hollywood system, and grew to doubt everything about myself.Is it worth it to try out for this part, for a one-day 3-line role, to transport me back into those old feelings again?No.I am done with that life.I am moving forward, not backward.I have grown past that point in my life. I must remember why I left that world and how much better my life is now.I empowered myself to step out of that hole I dug, forcing myself to go on auditions, cringing all the while. I overcame the disgust I had for myself, kissing the asses of disrespectful, rude, power-mongers. And now I'm thriving in a world I feel good about: helping you.Part of what caused me so much distress in making this decision was that I spent sooo much time, money, and energy trying to achieve anything in Hollywood.I felt guilty for not wanting to go.I felt like a coward backing down from a fight.This is the voice of my inner critic that kept me in that helpless, victimized state all those years.He is what kept me trudging through the mud into deeper, thicker, more miserable terrain.He is the one that yells at me when I take a day off from working out: "You call yourself a trainer?! You should be working out every day!"He is the one that scolds me for not pushing advertisements on my readers: "You spend all your time on your blog, and for what? You don't even make money from it!"He is the one that I battle the most.And you know what?
I'm going to win.
I just sent the casting director a nice note declining the audition, and informed her that I no longer act.And I feel free. The weight is lifted. I feel like myself again.My real self. The self I found when I decided to start listening to my heart and to stop being so f**king stubborn.Don't let your old temptations or habits get the best of you. When you feel that those negative feelings brought on by whatever kept you from happiness in the past, LISTEN TO IT. Pay attention to how your body reacts. Do you really want to feel like that ever again? Compare your life now to the life you overcame.Just because you devoted time and energy to something (a career path, a relationship that didn't work out, a social life centered around a bad habit) doesn't mean you owe it to yourself to revisit it if an "opportunity" arises.The choices you make are your own and the only person you absolutely have to answer to is yourself.If you genuinely miss it and it wouldn't be degrading to your health, try it again. Test how it makes you feel. You might have just needed a break from it.I truly believe that opportunities appear for a reason, but the reason is not necessarily what you think it is.At first, I thought this opportunity was one I shouldn't pass up because it just came to me so easily and seemed so obvious, but then I realized it for what it was.This opportunity was a way of ensuring that the life I've chosen is the one I should stick with. The emotions I was hit with just thinking about stepping back into that old life were enough to convince me that I have made the right decision. I am on the right path.Have you ever encountered a doozy like this one? Tell me about it in the comments! How did you handle it?