How To Reframe Triggers As Gifts
Trigger warning: we're talking about triggers today. Specifically, we're talking about how to reframe triggers and even more specifically, how my Mental Optics shifted from "Oh GAWD a trigger!!! ESCAAAAAPE!!!" to appreciating being triggered.
I didn't even know I wanted to reframe triggers before I made this shift, and now I'm taking the intentionality in my life to the next level all because of it!
It's hard to believe that one shift could lead to that kind of change, right? Pull up a beanbag, babe. Let me tell you how I got here.
The Before
I have a friend who's super-triggering.
He hits on all my old, dark belief systems. You know, the sticky ones that are oh-so hard to get to, let alone heal. For a while, I was on guard every time I talked with him, just waiting for him to activate the hurt parts of me.
Now, don't get me wrong: he's never been mean or cruel; in fact it's the opposite. He does exactly what I hope we can all do one day: speak up.
Why was he so triggering? This friend was a champ at speaking up when I triggered him.
Even before I got pregnant, his speaking up drove me right back into my "I'm not enough" place, or worse: my "I fuck everything up" place. Two old stories I no longer logically believe, but they still live in that hard-to-reach part of me, firing fear and shame everywhere any time they get a chance.
When I was pregnant, however, I got extra-super-über sensitive; every time he'd say something, I'd withdraw or cry or say "fuck this I'm never having friends again!!!" You know, regular pregnancy responses. ;)
And yeah, I knew this was something I'd have to work on eventually. I just decided that pregnancy wasn't that time. I was too extra-sensitive and protective of my little bean. Instead, I chose to distance myself from my friend so I could focus on what made me feel safe and comfortable.
The Shift
Since having Maya, I haven't so much recovered from my extra-sensitivity as much as I've come to accept that it's part of me now (or at least for now). Through this acceptance, I've found strength. I don't apologize for it. I just am this way for now, and I'm game to grow through it.
When my friend approached me to continue our relationship again, though, I hesitated. The thought of being triggered by him like I used to be sounded about as fun as Sir Gregor-ing my eyeballs out. While I loved him as a friend and wanted to have a relationship with him again, I didn't know if I wanted to risk feeling like I used to feel every time we talked. (And let's be real: afterwards, too, because I think about every conversation I have at least 500 times afterwards.)
Then, I started thinking about it. The stuff that he was bringing up in me was the stuff I didn't want to carry around with me anymore; it was the stuff keeping me from being fully me. The kind of stuff that could find its way into Maya's psyche if I didn't face it.
And that's when it hit me: I couldn't heal this stuff without being triggered.
The real healing work happens when you're experiencing what you need to heal, not when you're logically thinking about how you'll handle it the next time it happens. The deep n' dirty road requires the activation of this wound so that it can work its way out of you. The protection mechanism that was coming up in me and telling me not to start this friendship again was actually avoidance.
This realization took me from being a victim of my triggers to the hero of my own healing.
From Victim to Hero
Everything shifted in my Mental Optics around being triggered when I accepted that every time I get triggered is a gift.
Without my friend activating my fears, I wouldn't even know what was left to heal. I'm too close to it to be able to see it on my own. I need him (and everyone who triggers me) to show me where I still have work to do. Every time he activated the beliefs I no longer wanted to carry was an opportunity for me to raise my awareness around them and start healing that shit!
And so I decided to walk into the fear instead of away from it by learning how to reframe triggers rather than resigning myself to be a victim of my default responses.
Since restarting our relationship with this set of Mental Optics, my friend has triggered me a couple of times, but it's actually been great for our relationship. Not only have I been able to stay present through being triggered, I've achieved a greater understanding of myself and have finally been able to make headway in healing the hurt parts of me where the trigger reaction originates.
Your Turn
This has been so life-changing for me that I want to show you how to reframe triggers, too. Below, I'm going to take you through the process I use to heal through my triggers.
Please keep in mind that this is my working process; it's far from perfect, but it's helping me where I'm at right now. I've done a lot of work on healing my traumas and mindsets with mental health pros over the years, so I feel comfortable doing this kind of work.
This process is not for you if a major traumatic event is what's being triggered.
This is not a standalone PTSD treatment. That work is best done with a mental health professional's guidance and that ain't me. If you're in doubt as to whether you should try this, err on the side of nah until you talk with your therapist. I always recommend talking to a mental health professional before doing any kind of work like this anyway.
Take this all with a grain of salt and know that if it ever feels too much for you right now, it might be. Just a few months ago, it would have been too much for me, too. There's no shame in that. Save it for whenever you feel ready.
How To Reframe Triggers
Before we start, let's have a word on triggers and what they actually are.
Good Therapy defines a psychological trigger as "a stimulus such as a smell, sound, or sight that triggers feelings of trauma." Trauma's a loaded word, though. I prefer to look at it as Mariana Plata on Psychology Today does: "any topic that makes us uncomfortable," but I'd broaden that out to include situations as well.
Since we're not talking about the kinds of triggers that correlate with major traumatic events (if you skimmed past that part, head back up there), we'll focus on the kind that just plain make you feel like shit.
The kind of triggers we're talking about working on here are most commonly activations of outdated belief systems.
Common belief systems that get activated by triggers are:
I'm not enough.
I'm a burden.
I'm stupid.
I mess everything up.
I don't deserve this.
I deserve this.
When these old belief systems get activated, they hurt like f**k. It's like they're holding up the trigger as evidence for why they're right. This process is going to teach you how to set those old belief systems straight.
That said, it's important to note that not all belief systems are ones you need to do anything about. For instance, being put in mortal danger is a trigger for most of us. I hope you agree that if you're triggered by someone pushing that boundary, that's a good thing!
When your triggers point you toward a belief you no longer want to carry, however, that's when you'll wanna take these steps.
Step 1: Recognize the trigger & your reaction
The first step is to build awareness around when you're triggered. This can be the most difficult step.
Many of us don't even know when we're triggered because we've been programmed to shut it down, push it away or keep powering through it. We don't even notice the signs of being triggered until we're looking back in hindsight.
Triggers hit everyone in a different way. Here are a few common things that happen when people are triggered (any of the below, not all of them):
Tightness in the throat, chest, solar plexus or stomach
Elevated heart rate
Shallow breathing
A feeling of being "untethered" (the opposite of "grounded")
Anger
Feelings of being "bad" or not enough
Numbness/"Checking out"
Anxiety/Panic
Wanting to get away from the situation/person you're with
Defensiveness
Withdrawing into yourself
Blaming others
If you experience any of the above, ask yourself what happened to make you feel that way (without judgment).Was it a comment someone made? Was it a situation that reminded you of another one in your past? Was it just the way someone was being?
Take note of whatever caused you to feel this way and then ask yourself if you can remember this ever happening before? Did you feel the same way? If so, it's likely that whatever just happened is a trigger for you. Nothing to be mad about; now you know and you can move forward in healing it.
Now note what your response to the trigger was. What did you do, consciously and subconsciously?
It's important here, too, to remove judgment from your analysis. All you did was protect yourself in the best way you knew how. You're working on moving into a new way of responding by working through this process, so give yourself some grace.
Step 2: Give the hurt parts what they need
When I recognize that I'm triggered, I look to the part of me that's hurting...and I get pretty specific with that.
My fav Instagram therapist, Dr. Nicole LePera, says: "A trigger is an unhealed emotional wound." Healing this emotional wound requires that you address the part of you that's still hurting.
Imagine that whatever belief is being activated is actually a younger version of yourself living locked down deep inside you. They activate when you get triggered because they need something from you. Give them what they need: attention, love, a shoulder to cry on, etc.
We heal our hurt parts by giving them what they need.
All that self care talk we've chatted about before? This is your chance to pull out all the stops on it!
Not sure what your hurt parts need? Ask them! Seriously. When you're visualizing that younger part of yourself, ask them what they need. Personally, mine usually need one or more of the following:
To be heard.
To be seen.
To be related to.
To be validated.
Affection/Compassion/Love
And if they don't answer when you ask, love and affection usually do the trick.
Step 3: Release Over-Responsibility
This step is especially helpful if someone being triggered is what's triggering you. Confusing? Yes. Life-changing? Also yes.
The idea that my friend's actions and reactions are all his and not mine to "fix" has completely changed the way I approach not only this relationship, but all my relationships.
After I've taken care of myself with the first two steps, I'll actively remind myself that his stuff is his stuff and my stuff is my stuff. I don't have any responsibility over his stuff, and he has none over mine.
People pleasers like me tend to take over-responsibility for other people's moods and reactions when in reality, that's none of our business. In fact, trying to contort your words and actions to spare other people's feelings reaffirms the belief so many people pleasers live by: that your voice is less important than anyone else's.
Intentionally remind yourself that your responsibility is only to yourself. Don't steal their work from them!
Step 4: Thank your trigger
Like I already described, every time you get triggered is a gift. It's an opportunity to heal what would otherwise go unseen, looping itself over and over again in our default actions and thoughts.
If you want healing, you want triggers. They bring the hurt that lives in the darkness out into the light. If you weren't triggered, you would continue to live with this hurt guiding your life subconsciously for who knows how long before you realized it was something you needed to heal at all.
Whether it's taking a moment wherever you are, writing it down or saying it out loud, thank your trigger for showing you what needs healing.
It's worth saying that this isn't the easiest thing to do. Who in the motherloving world enjoys feeling like they've been stripped raw to their basest vulnerabilities? Not many of us.
Gratitude is magic. When expressed authentically, gratitude is one of the most powerful mindset shifters around. The key is that it needs to be authentic. If you force it, your mind will likely rebel and throw you back into a state of victimization. You know, that state where everything feels "woe is me" and powerless.
Beyond its shifting powers, the loving element of gratitude is a very different reaction than many of us have by default when triggers happen. Acceptance and compassion are healing. Resistance, shut down and reactivity are destructive. Choose wisely.
Final Thoughts
Look, no one likes being triggered, but with this shift, I'm hoping you can at least start to see the benefit in it.
My wish for you is that you can go approach triggers with less fear and more curiosity, and that they'll deepen your self-knowledge so that you can let go of all the shit you don't want governing your life!
Got questions for me? Hit me up in the comments below or over on Instagram. I love your feedback; I need your eyes to see the things that I miss!
Good luck with this, my brave friend. May it bring you to the next level of recovery!
Hugs n' fist bumps,
Amy