When You Can't Connect, Don't Fix It; Let The Fire Take You
Hey, Strongies. I wrote this a couple weeks ago, but debated posting it as I always do with posts like this.As much as I write about depression and struggle, opening up here while I was in it seemed particularly frightening this time around. After a few weeks mulling over whether I should or not, I decided to share this with you because I think it's good for me to show you all that I don't feel strong all the time.I still struggle, and I still fight. But there are times when I just need to sit back, stop "fixing" it, and let the fire take me...
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Today, I want to talk about the heavy stuff.I want to talk about when you try to get excited for celebrations or holidays because you see that other people are, but you just can't connect to the smile. There's a dead space between you and emotion. The fuse just refuses to fire.
I want to talk about when you just think about connecting, you get the same kind of feelings that you would if you considered trying to stick your hand in a wood-chipper.
It feels like the threat of a frighteningly uncomfortable event that you're absolutely sure you won't enjoy, and that you'll regret later.I want to talk about the heavy stuff because I'm in it right now.Last night, I went to a yoga class that started out amazing. I had been looking forward to a yoga class to open myself back up again. I was feeling very closed off, unproductive, and just plain depressed if we're going to go for buzz words.The teacher was refreshingly funny, and also great at cuing and being present with the class in the movements. Moving my body and reconnecting with myself, I felt free for the first time all day. I felt alive for the first time all week....until she said, "Grab a partner."...and I immediately got furious at her. "How dare she interrupt my time," I thought, alight in rage.
I stared at the others like the kid on the sidelines of the playground who prefers to play with his toys all alone.
After the partner exercise was done, she asked the class, "Now wasn't that fun?"Everyone nodded, eyes wide with enthusiasm, as I sat staring at the floor."Wasn't that exciting?!" she egged them on.This time people responded with woops and hollers as I stayed silent, pretending to be terribly interested in the stretch I was doing."That's right!" she continued."And it's all from making that connection. You have to be open to connecting, to the joy of the connected experience."I think my eyes became flame throwers at this point in class. I certainly wasn't one with my pranayama breath, I'll tell you that much.The rest of class I fought back tears (at least I was feeling something again).My insides fought like angry animals, a manifestation of the shame and embarrassment I felt for having been one of the only people who declined to participate.When we finally hit savasana, I let the tears roll down my temples and soak into my hair, dripping in dull thuds on my mat.All I was thinking was this: "What's wrong with me?"
What's wrong with me?
Sound familiar?Any time we feel something deeply negative, we search for how to fix it. Something must be wrong with us. We must be doing something incorrectly to be in this state. After all, everyone else is happy but you, right?Right?I've built Strong Inside Out around the idea that you can control much of your mental and physical well-being by taking action, which is the truth.There reaches a point, however, in which you just need to stop "fixing," and let the fire burn out so that you may rise up again.Here's the truth... you may not be ready to accept it: you're going to feel all the heavy stuff sometimes.You won't understand what's going on, and you'll fight with yourself to rediscover "normal." You'll be disappointed when you can't tap into it immediately. You'll look at people around you, wondering how they can chat light-heartedly, talking so easily with other people. You'll think that you'll never be able to do that again, that it will be like this forever.But you will. Eventually, you'll come out of it.This, too, shall pass.
These feelings are not wrong. In fact, they're necessary.
If you never struggled, how would you grow? How would you ever become the strong fighter you are working to be without first facing something that teaches you how to be strong?
Strength without struggle is like fire without kindling. You cannot rise from the ashes without burning up first.
Though it's heavy and dark and smothering while you're in it, the struggle gives you the opportunity to grow stronger. It' not something to be "fixed," it's something to be lived through. Let it be what it is, and you'll come out clearer, more grateful, and with more fight than you went in with.I know I'm not alone right now, even if I can't connect with anyone around me. This fire won't burn forever.
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I made this image back when I was feeling this way to keep my head up in the flames. I hope it can help you the next time you start burning, too.
All my love, support and fire go out to you, whether you're heavy right now or not. I'm all smoldered out, and now I'm on the rise again. You will be soon, too.Stay strong (even when you're not feeling it),Amy