What’s It Worth? A Guide to Handling Obsessive Thinking

I'm back from maternity leave! So much has happened (obviously), so let's start with the best part...

On December 15, 2018, my daughter, Maya Josephine Mulready, was born! She arrived healthy and super long (21.5"!). My recovery's been going really well and my husband and I are starting to get a hang of this new normal.

Since her birth, my mind has been working on all cylinders to adapt to the newness. I've been sharing some of this journey through the Weekly Motivationals I send every week (if you're not on the list, you can do that here). Today, I wanted to share a little bit about how I'm handling the return an oldie, but goodie: my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

So, my OCD is back. It's not as full-fledged as it was when I was in high school, but it is to the point of affecting my life in a not so great way again. And it makes total sense: I've never cared about anything so deeply as I do my little girl and–thanks to the way my brain is wired–that comes with more fear of losing it.

Trying to control the fear is where my OCD comes in. It says that if I do X, then the fear won't happen... but X is an insane amount of trying to control AND won't actually keep the fear from happening. You know what it will do? Make me more neurotic, busy and stressed out. Plus, there's this:

When we act from a place of fear, we invite more in.

So going down the rabbit hole of my obsessive researching or hand-washing or other more nonsensical behaviors is actually making my fear bigger and more powerful, not alleviating it.

So I've started asking, "What's it worth?"

I'll never be an irresponsible person. It's not in my DNA. What is, however, coded in my being is the capability of being a stressball of anxiety that can't serve anyone because she's so focused on magically keeping the shit from hitting the fan.What will truly benefit Maya: being more present so that I can be there for her for whatever does come, or focusing all that time and energy I would give her on obsessively trying to avert a made-up catastrophe I wouldn't be able to control anyway?

In the end, my obsessive behaviors aren't worth the fear I feel from them. It's not worth the time I lose being truly with her because I'm distracted by fear.

So I'm choosing to stop feeding the fear. Against all the panic that rises in me when I don't give in to my OCD behaviours, I'm standing up and declaring that they don't get to steal me from my daughter. It feels freaking badass... and scary.

So if you're out there struggling with obsessive thinking, worrying or fear of any kind, maybe you could stand up, too. Ask "What's it worth?" and if the answer is "your life," drop that shit.

Hugs (super clean ones where our faces don't touch ;)),

Amy