The Strength Sessions: Kimmy's Story

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Welcome to the Strength Sessions here on Strong Inside Out!In these interviews, we're sharing some of the countless stories that I heard along last year's 30 x 30 project tour.We just launched the Strong Inside Out tour, which is like 30x30 all grown up and we really can't wait to bring this movement back out into the world, because not only do we benefit suicide prevention charity with 50% of our event proceeds going to To Write Love on Her Arms, but we also get to directly affect the participants of the events in an even more impactful way this year.This year we'll be offering an ongoing program to keep people engaged, active and moving forward long beyond the event itself, but even without this ongoing element, the Strong Inside Out movement has been helping people unleash their Strong across the world since last year's 30 x 30 project tour. Last year's tour brought this movement to the people who struggled and inspired many of them to open up, often for the very first time.Today I'm very privileged to introduce to you one of these courageous souls whose agreed to share her story here on Strong Inside Out with us, Kimmy Holmes, who I met at the Edmonton tour stop last year.So welcome Kimmy! Thank you for being brave enough to come and share your story with us.

Kimmy: Yeah, for sure.

Amy: I know this isn't easy really to talk about it sometimes but I think it really does help a lot of people who might be a little bit afraid to acknowledge it within themselves, even if they don't want to talk about it openly, but just to acknowledge it and start moving forward through it, so thank you for your bravery in that.

Kimmy: No Problem.

Amy: Tell us a little bit about yourself, what do you do? What do you love? What makes you happy or grateful everyday?Kimmy: I am a teacher, I teach grade six here in my small town in Northern Alberta, love it, it's a passion I've had forever but I just never had the strength or the mindset to actually go for it. Now I'm doing something that I love and that I'm passionate about. Living and loving life completely. I've done a complete 360 in the past year and it's amazing right now.Amy: That's awesome, that's really awesome. When I first met you at the Edmonton 30 x 30 tour stop, you told me a story about your struggle and I was wondering if you could share that with the Strongies here today?

Kimmy: Yeah for sure!

It's kind of a – I'll try and condense it because it's kinds of a long story.

Amy: Don't try and condense it, we want to hear all of it. Go for it, seriously!

Kimmy: When I was quite young I was sexually abused and molested by two individuals in my life. I came from a family where we were never taught how to communicate our feelings in an appropriate way. My Dad was an alcoholic and we just kind of carried on in our small town like nothing really happened.

As I got older I just kept pushing these feelings down and down but I was realizing more and more how much I hated myself and didn't love myself or didn't even like myself.

I found different coping mechanisms. I started testing the waters with self harm, I turned to anorexia. That was kind of on and off for a while and it just progressively got really bad in my early 20's. I had to be hospitalized, which was really good, I needed to do that but I have my issues a little bit with the program because they put you on a lot of medication...

Amy: Yep.

Kimmy: Basically I masked every feeling I had with medication and I became addicted. So I was in and out of the hospital with overdosing on medication and all that kind of stuff.

Finally a light bulb went off and I was like "I think I've tried everything but I really haven't so I'm tossing all of this medication out the window." I literally went into my psychiatrist's office and said "I'm done", I tossed it on her desk and I walked out. It was the best decision I could have ever made.

Amy: Wow, that's amazing. You didn't tell me that much of it, which is amazing. I'm so glad that you're revealing that here.OK, so let me ask you this, because when I met you at the 30 x 30 project tour stop in Edmonton you were really fit, you were keeping up with us and it's not an easy workout at all. Let me ask you, was it a conscious choice to use fitness as an outlet for the struggle or was it something that you fell into by accident? For me personally, it was something I found by accident when I was in it for all the wrong reasons, just to lose weight because I wasn't a size 00 or whatever. I'm wondering about your journey with that.

Kimmy: At first when I was sick with my eating disorder, I used it in all the wrong ways. It was my form of purging my body of anything that was in it.

As time went on and I became healthier I kind of let that go for a while and I stopped working out and everything because it was just such a chore to me for so long. I wanted to learn to love it and for it to be a huge part of my life again in a good way.

Finally one day I was just like "You know, I really feel like going for a hike". I went for a hike and I didn't care for how long I went, I didn't count how many calories I thought I burned or timed how long I was gone for. I just really enjoyed every single moment of it, I stopped at certain peaks in the hills and really took in the view and what I was feeling and thinking.

Now, I do things because I want to and because I love to do them, not because I have to do them.

Amy: That's an amazing win coming from this addiction basically, to purging through fitness and finding that is so important I think because it's so easy to replace one addiction with another, right?

Kimmy: Sure.

Amy: So the workouts that helped you through that recovery, helped you heal from that addiction were things like hiking, more like low key things. What are your favorite now?

Kimmy: I love hiking because I have a new dog, she's about 10 months old now so she keeps me going all the time. She's got so much energy. We'll go down by the river, go for hikes, go for a run. I enjoy yoga, I haven't done as much of it as I have in the past but I want to get back into that again. I can change my mood in a matter of minutes and just be like "I want to go for a canoe", right now I'm taking in the outdoors mainly.

Amy: That's amazing and there's a lot to be said for getting outdoors, especially for people who struggle with these emotional disorders like we have. Getting outside and being one in nature and just being able to feel that, you know, deadly sun on your face! Taking in all that vitamin D can be very healing.

Kimmy: For sure. Especially in Northern Alberta, we don't get very nice weather for too long so we take it in as often as we can.

Amy: Yeah, actually, one of the people in one of my programs right now is going down to Calgary and she said it was about 45°f the other day. That's nonsense, it's Summer, it's June!

Kimmy: It's kind of weird, it gets super cold in the Winter and then it usually gets fairly hot in the Summer, so it's getting there slowly but surely.

Amy: That's amazing though. It's so beautiful up there too. You have all of these mountains not too far away from you, the lakes, and the people are so amazing up there too. I had a lot of fun up there when I visited.Let me ask you, going back to topic here, have you felt low since? Have you hit any valleys since your recovery?

Kimmy: I've endured some stress and some hardship since, but I've definitely developed these amazing coping mechanisms for how I deal with that adversity and it's all in a healthy way. I know how to release my emotions and let it penetrate me and let myself feel it and then let it go.

Amy: I'm so glad you said that out loud. It's really about not pushing away your struggle, not pretending that it's not there and not avoiding it. It's about dealing with it because everyone does. Everyone has some kind of struggle, even if it wasn't an eating disorder, even if it's not an emotional disorder. We all struggle sometimes. The fact that a lot of people are trying to avoid it or trying to take magic pills to get out of it is just making it worse.Embracing that struggle for you was a really huge discovery. Was there a turning point when you learned to really embrace that, to move through it?

Kimmy: A long time ago I read this book, which many people have read, Tuesdays With Morrie, have you read that one?

Amy: I actually haven't.

Kimmy: It's got so many messages in it. It wasn't until a few years later that I was remembering all these quotes. I studied that book myself on my own time. I made it a part of my life. I used some of those quotes and some of those messages that Mitch Albom had written about. I totally use it in my everyday life.

Amy: That's amazing, do you have any off the top of your head that you don't mind sharing with us?

Kimmy: The biggest one that I absolutely love and I share with my students all the time is:

“We need to let feelings penetrate us fully because once we do that, we are able to let them go in a more healing fashion.”

Letting those emotions hit you. So many people realize that they are angry or sad but they don't really feel it. It sits on them on the surface and they hold onto it for that much longer and it eats away at them slowly versus really feeling that pain or that struggle and then growing from it.

Amy: I think that's a really great point and a really good thought as well. I think fitness wise, it's easier to get away with letting your anger out if you're kick boxing or if you're letting out tears while you're doing yoga – I've actually done that before, it's a little bit embarrassing but nobody's paying attention to you anyway in yoga class. Allowing yourself to be fully in it, so that you can move through it. Not letting yourself dwell because that's a very different feeling but really letting yourself experience it with the goal of moving past it, moving through it, not around it.

Kimmy: For sure, 110%.

Amy: What words of advice besides the 'moving through it' part would you give to somebody who feels this hopelessness or feels alone?

Kimmy: Using myself as an example, in my mind I was as hopeless as they come. I didn't care to live and I didn't care to die. Whatever happened, happened. I was so apathetic towards life and I lived my life carelessly and on the edge because I didn't feel like there was anything positive in store for me but really there's so much in store.

It's crazy how much life there is to live once you can talk about what you've been through and use your story to empower yourself and others and then eventually let that go and move on. It's just crazy.

Amy: I think that it's really great that you say that there was so much pain for you. I've been there too, you just don't think happiness is possible, you just think maybe other people are gifted with this or maybe they're faking it. Maybe it's something that they're just trying to justify away.Happiness and hope really does exist for every single one of us. Even if you don't feel it right now, there are ways for you to get help and to reach out and to start having hope again and to start strengthening your life again. So thank you for that.Let me go back to the 30 x 30 project tour too and just ask you, you participated in the Strong Inside Out workout, can you tell us about the experience of the event? It was much different last year than it's going to be this year, it's going to be a lot bigger, it's going to be a huge celebration in each city that we visit, which is why we're not doing 30 cities this year because we'd have to raise a ton of money for that, but can you tell us about your experience with the event and with the message with this movement?

Kimmy: Yeah it was just, for me it was definitely a challenging workout because my body was going through a detox. That was about the time when I went off all of that medication.

Amy: Oh wow.Kimmy: Yeah. So my body – it took a toll on it, but it was so rewarding at the end to stand up and be like "Oh my gosh, I just did that!" and just having you as a leader.

If someone is feeling like they're wanting to give up or slow down, your words of empowerment and encouragement push you that much further, which is really good.

For me, I really held on to your voice, it was like "OK, five more, let's go, let's go". It was super motivating and we had a really good crew with us, a lot of positive people and a great message that you are putting out to the world. I'm really proud that you're doing this.

Amy: Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me because that's exactly what I'm aiming for, what you just said.So many of us in life want to give up. We want to stop trying, but it's always about coming back to fighting for yourself, really fighting for that life that you want to live because it can be made. We create our lives in every second. Thank you for saying that. I wasn't expecting you to have that positive of a reaction. I didn't talk about this with Kimmy before we got on here, so I didn't tell her to say that.Let me ask you how you felt after that workout because you were going through this detox period. I didn't know that it was so fresh for you actually. After that movement came through your city, how did you feel afterwards? How did it last with you? You still follow Strong Inside Out, so what is that lasting effect on your life?

Kimmy: It's so motivating to see someone like you use your story and your voice to affect so many other people. For me I've always wanted to do that but I didn't know how to go about that. I was like "This is my first step, let's just get involved".

Now that I'm teaching, I can use that energy and motivation that you've given me through the 30 x 30 project and use that in my everyday life like with my students.

It's knowing that you are sending this great big message to so many people, I just have this thing inside of me where I want to do the same thing but maybe in a different way, maybe in classrooms and stuff like that.

Amy: That's amazing and you are. Every single day in those classrooms with those kids who might be struggling, might be going through things at home that were similar to what you went through. You can empower them every single day and that's amazing that you're helping those kids.

Kimmy: Thank you.

Amy: You're welcome. I'm really glad that you came to this point where you are empowered, you are strong enough to say no to those old addictions and those habits that we get into, the unhealthy habits that we get into that seem to take away our pain in the moment but seem to add to it more in the long run.I'm glad you acknowledge that, that you came into your strength and that you now inspire others.Let me ask you, what is your biggest takeaway from the entire Strong Inside Out movement?

Kimmy: My biggest takeaway is that really anything is possible. I never thought that for the longest time. I think about where you probably were at one point in time and what you're doing now and you probably at some point never thought that what you're doing now was possible, but it completely is. You're doing it every single day of your life.

It's a constant reminder, when I follow on Instagram or Facebook, I look at the posts on To Write Love on Her Arms. I see this passion that you have just carries forward. It's like this pay it forward project.

Amy: Thank you.That pretty much wraps up today. I just want to thank you so much Kimmy for the courage you're using to be vulnerable in front of all of us, in front of all those kids and using your story to really keep inspiring. You and I are no different, you're doing exactly what I'm doing. You're doing it in those schools with those kids, encouraging them to be in it, too. That matters so much.

I truly believe that by sharing our stories, as uncomfortable as it may be the very first few times, that we can inspire others to reach out to start unleashing their strong. No one is hopeless. You're proof of that.

Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story here with us and to open up here and every single day that you exist is inspiring others to do the same, so thank you.

Kimmy: Thank you for giving me this opportunity, it's been awesome.

*****Thank you for listening, Strongies. With this movement, we can get more and more stories out into the world, and hopefully keep them from ending too soon. Just like Kimmy, there are so many people struggling out there who we can reach, who we can empower to change their course!

To be a part of this movement and help Strongies like Kimmy all over the world, please donate and share the movement by clicking here.

Keep checking back here for more Strength Sessions. Hope is real. We're here to prove it to you.Stay strong,Amy