How to Stop Complaining (& Still Keep Your Voice)

Back in 2004 when I was not as mindful as I am now, I was given a bracelet by a friend. It was a simple purple rubber bracelet with these words imprinted on it:

"NO COMPLAINING"

She proceeded to tell me that she was taking part in a challenge to live without complaining for the next month, and asked if I would join her. I think this was her way of trying to support me in positive changes, but I actually took it as a slight.I have a long history with complaining. Throughout grade school, I was the cry baby, and when I got a little older, I started putting myself down out loud, finding faults in my looks or in my performance. After my teenage rebellion in high school when I decided to get seriously vocal, I did a pretty good job of pissing everyone off. Example: my cross country coach didn't call me back because a) I came in second to last in most races, and b) because I complained all practice long and at every meet we'd attend.I did this in every commitment I made: jobs, relationships, even when something good happened to me. I'd find something wrong with it, and boy would I let everyone know about it. I complained so much about everything in my life except for my depression and OCD! Those issues I knew not to talk about because if I did, the whole world would know just how defective I was.After a few years of growth, I graduated from this state of complaint-cency. I realized just how much I had been annoying people and pushing them away, negative-nancying all day long.So, I decided to keep quiet. From then on, I would suffer in silence.Oh, and I was good at it.Brimming to the edges with sadness, you'd never hear a word from me about my problems. Instead, my depression manifested in drastic weight gains and losses, exhaustion and ultimately, that night in 2005.My friend had a good heart, and I'm sure she thought the bracelet would help me become more positive to stop wording my woes. To a point, it would have.At that point of my life, however, receiving that message was interpreted as "No one wants to hear about your problems. We have enough of our own."So I shut up. And I shut down.When we urge people to stop complaining, we must consider who we say it to, and how we say it. Specificity is key when you're tackling the issue with someone who is struggling. Otherwise, your concern could prove more detrimental than helpful.You see, many people who suffer in silence do so because they are afraid of burdening others. They don't want to become yet another complainer. They don't want to be the negative nancy that always drags you down.So they stay silent, and the pain festers inside them until their commitment to stay silent becomes their demise.

If they were to only give their pain a voice, they could begin their recovery. They might find an answer, or at least find some support.

Talking about our struggle is essential to healing. It allows us to pinpoint what needs to change, and start on our way toward a happier, more peaceful life.Now, DON'T take this as an argument to complain your heart out. That's not what I'm saying at all.Complaining without intention to resolve the issue is destructive. All it does is further convince you that you have no power to right the situation (which I'm pretty dang sure is not the truth in most cases). Then (if you believe in the law of attraction and all that hippie stuff like I do), the repetition of saying out loud only what's wrong in your life creates a snowball effect, bringing more of said problems into your life!I believe there is a balance to be found so that one may find their voice without "complaining."Even if you're not struggling with textbook depression or anxiety, you have times of pain and sadness, and you need to be able to talk about it.Think of your pain like a parasite. If you don't get it out, it'll eat your insides until all your full of is your struggle.Stop the pain parasite before it grows into an unstoppable force. Give it a voice, give it an outlet. Find a way to resolve it!

Here's how to stop complaining without losing your voice in 3 short, easy steps...

1. Acknowledge your struggle

The first step in recovery is awareness of the issue at hand. If something's bothering you, say it! In order to move past it, you have to first recognize what it is you're not cool with.

2. Give it a voice

Say it out loud. You are not an island! (I've never been quite sure what that phrase means) In other words, you can't do everything by yourself.Talking about what's bothering you to a supportive friend, family member or therapist will help you work through exactly what needs to change, and your next steps. I encourage you to see a licensed professional, as they'll be able to look at your situation from the outside with an unbiased eye.

3. Do something about it

This is the one step that makes or breaks complainers. If you're a complainer, you skip this step, which is why your loved ones feel pushed away; they get frustrated watching you go through hard times and not doing anything about it!Give them–and yourself–a break and put a plan of action into... well... action!Come up with at least one step you can take to make a change so that this matter is one you don't feel the need to complain about anymore.That's it. 3 easy steps you have no excuse to skip if you fear being a complainer.I'll admit, complainers get to me sometimes, too. I don't think anyone's immune to the mood that constant negativity-spewing creates. All it takes to stop the repetitive stream is that one step: action.So that's my challenge for you this week.

Every time you feel the urge to complain, stop and come up with something you can do about it instead.

You can still talk about it, just don't forget to let them know what you're planning to do as well!None of this: "I hate _____ and I think I'm gonna _____ one day."From now on, it's: "______ bothers me, and I'm going to do _______ to change it."We all need to vent. Let it out, then take responsibility for your happiness and DO something about it.Happy doing, my friends.Stay strong,Amy