Break The Exclusion Cycle
Everyone's experienced it.That dreadful feeling of walking into a room of people you don't know.You're the new guy. You're the one new eyes scan for signs of weakness or recognition.You're the one who's being judged for worth-of-breath-expelled, and if you fail, you're sentenced to the torture of roaming the room alone with that uncomfortable semi-smile and hopeful eyes...You swallow loudly, already portraying yourself nervous and, therefore, not confident.And the choice is made in that moment: faces turn back to their own groups, writing you off as an awkward conversation.
You're excluded.
Maybe not consciously. Maybe they didn't say to themselves: I'm not going to talk to this person because of x, y or z.But it doesn't make you feel any better because the end of it is, you're rejected, isolated, ignored.The whole process is downright awful. That horrible feeling of unworthiness, regret for not having acted differently or maybe for coming at all.We've all been there.So why do we continue the cycle of exclusion?Chances are that you've been on the other side of this, too. You've been the one to exclude.You've made fun of someone. You've rolled your eyes at the new person. You've actively ignored someone who isn't "up to par" to your social circle for whatever reason.It's very high school, isn't it?You know what I've realized? That horrible clique-y part of high school doesn't end when you throw your cap up in the air. It's nice to think we can all leave those tendencies to exclude behind, but I've found in my own experience that life is very high school.So if we know how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of the cycle, why do we become the excluders?When you've experienced being excluded, there's a certain satisfaction in doing it to someone else. You feel better knowing that you're not alone in that pain.Knowing this dark truth, it's your choice if you want to end the exclusion cycle with you.Here's what I've found since joining the blogging world: the inclusion cycle is just as contagious as the exclusion cycle.To go out of your way to encourage and support someone always comes back to you. If you choose to include rather than exclude, it creates a ripple effect that spreads further than you may know.In 2011, a well-established fitness blogger decided to include me into his circle and encouraged me to start a fitness blog that is now Strong Inside Out. Now, the ripples extend through my actions as I try to help others as much as I can, and I'm hoping that those I help choose to take on this same motivation.Good begets good. Inclusion begets inclusion.So why don't we all start today to begin this cycle, if not just for the pure fact that we know it will start coming back to us?Here are the basic steps for starting the inclusion cycle:
1. Become aware of the way you react in social situations
Depending on where you grew up, what your social status was in school and is now, and many many other factors we won't even try to delve into here, you will automatically react to social situations in a certain way.Instead of judging your reactions, simply begin to become aware of them.
What do you think and do when a new person enters the room or comes to dinner for the first time?
Is there a certain "test" a person has to pass to start being heard as a person (instead of as the new guy)?
Is your tendency toward inclusion or exclusion, and why? What in your past led you to react this way?
Again, it's very important to remember that we're not placing judgment on these discoveries, nor are we trying to change them just yet.Awareness is the first step in the process. Take note of your tendencies before moving on to try to change them.
2. Redirect
If your tendency is toward inclusion, that's great! Thank you for making us all feel more important and welcome around you. You may want to skip to the end of this post now. :)If your tendency is toward exclusion, however, we're going to work to start redirecting your thought process today.This may take some time and practice, but it's worth it if you hope to be that person you always hope to find when you enter a social situation for the first time.To redirect your exclusive thoughts, first become aware as you did in the previous step. Then, simply ask yourself :
What would I hope for if I was that new person? How can I make this person feel welcome?
Take a second to put yourself in that person's shoes. That anxiety and hope that they're feeling, that searching...Would you really want to further their discomfort, or would you ease it if you could?Here's the cool part: you can.
3. Actively include and encourage others to do the same
If life is like high school, let's bring in the analogy of the kind, popular girl. I've talked about her before: the girl everyone wants to be friends with, the girl everyone wants to be.You can be that girl/guy. You can be that person that makes people feel better just by being around them.How?Go out of your way to include people who look like they're searching. Be the person to break the exclusion cycle.By welcoming people and being open and inviting, you are in turn encouraging them to do the same, whether you know it or not.That warmth and welcome you extend to others will save one person at a time from feeling excluded, rejected and alone. This may be the first time in a long time that this person has felt included. We all know that positive action is contagious; this person will feel more inclined to treat others as you treated them, knowing how much it changed their own experience (especially if they have gone through the contrary).Whether or not this person will take action from this feeling of inclusion is out of your control, but you've done all you possibly can do, and that's all it takes to change one life. That's a movement.So what about you? Are you going to start the inclusion cycle right here, right now, with you?
Let me know that you're taking a stand against cliquiness and exclusion.
Take one of the steps below...
2. Not a tweeter? No prob, Bob. Join the Inclusion Cycle-Starters in the comments below: What motivates you to break the exclusion cycle? Helping others feel less alone? Helping others know that they matter? Paying it forward? Write it in the comments.
Together, we'll start this cycle spinning, and with enough of us, it just might catch.****
Check in time!
The Suck It, Temptation! ChallengeOne more week to go in the challenge, boys and girls! You're past the hard part and now you should be feeling the habits forming. Ride it. Let it take root! The 90% Principle will help you stay sane and balanced in a world of people who see only black and white. Let this be your little secret... or not. ;)The 30x30 ProjectSadly, this leg of the tour is wrapping up! Just a few more locations before we start off to the next steps for Strong Inside Out. If you can, please come out and join us for the final few bootcamps. Here's where you can party for hope with us:Chapel HillThursday, May 9th at 9 amCharlestonSaturday, May 11th at 9 amAustinSunday, May 12th in the morning (before Mother's Day brunch! Get it!)Los AngelesSaturday, May 18th at 9 amCosta MesaSaturday, May 25th at 9 amFINAL 30X30 BOOTCAMP????? (to be announced soon!)To see all the details about each bootcamp, click here to see the map!It's almost time to go back to normal life....though I have a sneaky suspicion that it's going to be far from normal when I get there.With hope and fire,Amy