Mindful Support

You all know that I've been through my share of tough times, just as I'm sure everyone else in the world has.  We all have our own issues to overcome.After we have overcome them, however, it's easy to lose sight of the way we felt when we were having a hard time.When a friend or loved one comes to you for support, how do you react?Do you listen, not to them, but for your opportunity to jump in and tell them to look at how good your life is and that theirs can be just as good someday?Do you tell them that they need to improve their situation or to just get off their butt and do something about it?Do you tell them "you can do it!" because you think that's what you're supposed to say?These are all very common, but thoughtless reactions.  There is something in us that pushes away negativity if life is going well, and to an extent, that's a good thing.  You have to look out for your emotional state.  But if you care deeply about this person and want to help, think before you support her.Remember back to the time you went through and put yourself in her shoes.What would you have wanted to hear in that situation?In what way can you best support her that will help her overcome the situation she is in?How can you empower this person?Be the support that you've always wanted, and your friends will forever be grateful to you.  Here are some tips on how to be a mindful supporter...

Listen; Don't Tell Them How Good Your Life Is

The last thing someone going through a tough time wants to hear is how good your life is.  Plain and simple.

Just listen.  Look them in the eye and absorb what they are telling you.  Many times, just having someone to talk at is enough for the person to realize what needs to change in their life.Try to feel what she's going through- be empathetic.  If you come from a place of understanding, you can shed light on what she may not be seeing.You deserve to be happy and proud of what you have accomplished, but there is a time and place to share, and it is not with someone that has come to you for support.  They most likely know that you have overcome your issues and are coming to you in particular because you have!  Swallow your stories of how blessed you are and save them for when she feels that way, too.

Offer Positive, Action-Based Feedback

The best support you could offer is a way out.  Collect the information she is giving you, and provide positive, action-based feedback.What can she do that would better her situation, or at least give her more control over how she feels about it?Now make sure to give this advice in a positive, open way so as not to encounter resistance or defensiveness.  Often the reason she is stuck in this pickle is because of bad, ingrained habits.  Those don't just change overnight, but at least they can begin working on them, and feel empowered doing so.For example, if someone can't stand her job, but can't quit because she's a single mom and she needs the money, how could you help her?I would first ask myself what actions she could take to immediately get more cash flowing into the household.  What talents does she have?  Is she a teacher?  How about suggesting that she offer tutoring sessions- in person or online?Is she good with web design?  How about freelance work on elance or 99 Designs?By providing a solution that would even slightly lighten the load, you can help her free room in her head to get out of the negative space and into the get-things-done positive space, without telling her to do so, which would likely be met with defensiveness and closed ears.

Give Them Proof of How Strong They Are

Instead of just saying, "You can do it!" show them proof that they have and can do it again.Remember when you were having a hard time?  Whenever anyone said, "You'll be fine," or "It will get better," what did you think?  If you're anything like me, you thought to yourself How do you know?  Are you a magic fortune teller that can see into my future?!Show them that they are strong enough to make it through this challenge.  Illuminate a time when they got through something tough, even if it isn't as hard as what they're going through now.Remind him of how he gets through those tough workouts every week- tell him to think of those as training for this challenge.Help him recall how hard it was when he was writing his thesis as a senior, but he got through that just fine and felt better after putting all the effort in!What about that last breakup he went through?  He thought that was tough, but he came out on top and he can do it again.Everyone has the power inside to make it through the roughest of times.  Sometimes we just lose sight of it.  Don't let them shrink into helplessness- empowerment is key.

Offer Examples of Others That Have Overcome Similar Issues

Sometimes, hearing about their strengths in the past doesn't offer enough weight to make your supportee truly believe that they are strong enough to overcome their current situation this time.  Maybe in the past, the issue wasn't as extreme, or other factors helped them along.  It's hard to see how hard issues were in the past when all they are feeling and focusing on is the present.In this case, it may be helpful to offer cases of others that have gone through a comparable hardship.Don't worry- there isn't that much research involved.  Just look around you: there are tons of examples all over the media and in your daily life!If your friend is having trouble with his job, why not cite Tim Ferriss or Steve Kamb?  Both left their jobs to follow their passions and make lives of their own, and achieved great success.Is she going through a tough breakup or divorce?  Look at Jennifer Aniston!  Her career flourished after Brad left her, and she has become a pillar of strength and sexiness among both men and women.  How about Sandra Bullock?  Look how much better off she is, how she rose from the ashes and refused to take the role of victim.The list goes on, but I think you get my point.  Offering up inspirational figures that have been through similar situations and overcome them shows your loved one that there is hope.  It is possible.

Just Be There

Most of the time, people just want to vent and feel better after they do.  Be there- be present- with them.  They obviously value your friendship and love and maybe that's all they need: a reminder that they are loved.As corny as it sounds, I'm gonna say it:Love heals all.If you can show them that they are loved for who they are, you can at least ease their pain for this moment, right now.*****These tips can help you be the most supportive person in your loved one's life.  By acting in a mindful, selfless way, you are indirectly teaching your loved ones how to support you and their friends, too.Go on.  Pass on the goodness that is you and your compassion.  The world could use it.If you think the world needs these tips, please feel free to share them on facebook or tweet it out using the buttons to the left!