A Guide to Loving While Struggling (& Why You Should)
It's been a good month and a half since my last depressive episode and I'm feeling strong. My energy is high, my motivation to move and be around people is back up where it was, and my ability and eagerness to open up to others and address their needs is at full throttle once again.That last item is one that we don't usually think about when we're struggling; it's usually me-me-me... and not at all in a deliberate way. It's just that it's all we have the energy for–getting through each painfully long day.When I get depressed or anxious, it's really hard to think of anyone but myself. I have a hard time listening to others, especially to the closest people in my life. I guess that I figure "they get it," so they won't be hurt if I just hole myself up in a ball for a while.Sound like something you've experienced?The supporters in our lives are our rocks. We've all heard the quote, "no man is an island," right? Well, for the struggling they're our buoys when we're being dragged down into the abyss at an eardrum-imploding rate. When we lose all concept of what's real and what's been made up by our dark side, they're there to help us set things straight.To shut ourselves off in times of darkness is natural. Your mind is defending itself by putting all its resources into survival mechanisms (breathe, eat, sleep, etc.). There isn't much left in the way of resources to actually listen or be present for the sake of others.
As unnatural as it may seem, one of the most healing actions you can take while you're struggling is to focus outside of yourself.
The people we rely on to feel better need us, too. It takes courage to listen to a loved one's needs in the midst of your own pain, but here's what it will do for you:
- Helping a loved one will distract you from your own struggle.
- Listening and problem-solving with your supporter will make you grateful for the support you've received from them, as you experience the effort it takes first-hand.
- Seeing your loved one feel better as a result of your actions is a depression-busting remedy unlike any other.
- Every relationship is a give and take. As hard as it may be to hear, a relationship is unhealthy and unstable if only one person is giving all the time. Do your part–be there for this person who gives you so much love.
Logically, it makes a lot of sense to be there for someone else even when you're hurting... so why is it so hard?To open yourself up is frightening when you feel so vulnerable. For that reason alone, most of us don't do it automatically. After a little time spent forcing myself to do it back in the days when I was constantly struggling, it's now one of the first actions I take when I start feeling down.Now, before your mind starts spurting all its usual protective mumbo jumbo ("Think of how much time that will take!" or "What if you screw things up?!"), chill. I'll take you through the no-BS process of breaking out of your struggle long enough to be the support you crave in others.Cool? Let's get rolling on this thing...
STEP 1: PREP YOURSELF
Before you take on this responsibility of helping someone else, you have to calm your mind from the cycle that struggle creates. This one's simple, but it creates a lot of resistance in people.In order to allow space in your brain to be present for your loved one, you're going to still your mind with a short bout of meditation.Resistance much? Keep reading...When your mind rebels against meditation ask yourself: Where does this resistance stem from? You or the struggle?What would be so terrible about chilling out for 10 minutes in silence or with calm music playing? You might not love it, but you're going to make it worse on yourself by thinking about how much you hate it while you're sitting there.Super-anti-sitting still? Go for movement meditation as detailed in this post.Take a deep breath and tell your struggle to shut up. YOU want this (or at least you want the results from it). You could use a little peace and quiet up there.
STEP 2: LISTEN
Before you help someone else, you need to listen to what they need, and I mean REALLY listen. When we're struggling, we have a tendency to "fake listen." We nod and stare blankly without actually hearing what the other person is saying... maybe it's just me.You have to open yourself up enough to let their needs penetrate your protective layer.To do this, be as present and calm as you possibly can. Focus completely on what the person is saying and notice what they're feeling as they speak.
- What is their body language saying?
- Are they hurting?
- Are they worked up?
- Are they frustrated?
Truly listening to someone requires more than just the ears. What you notice here will help you determine Step 4.
STEP 3: ASK THEM HOW YOU CAN HELP
Something that my wonderful rock-of-a-husband and I have learned to do over the 4 1/2 years we've been together is to actually ask the other person, "Do you want me to just listen, or do you want me to help you find a solution?"I've found that, before we started this, both of us tried to "fix" the other person's situation as a knee-jerk reaction (we're both coaches). We're always reading motivational self-help books, so we end up trying to talk the other up and set actions into place without first asking what the other person truly needs from us in that moment. It caused us to close off in times of need for fear of getting the "action speech."When we started asking each other this simple question, deep talks began to feel safer and more constructive. The person you want to support will appreciate it, too.There's a bonus to asking this questions before you respond: it makes the whole process less risky. If you're struggling, the last thing you want is to offer the wrong kind of advice, causing a backfire when the person you're trying to support gets angry at you for trying to "fix" her. If that's not what she wants, that's not what you want to give!Get clear on her expectations and needs before offering up what you think she needs.
STEP 4: GIVE LOVE
Remember my performance mantra, Give you, give love? It's going to help you give this person what she needs from a place of love and warmth, instead of from your struggle (because the darkness likes to overshadow your actions as well as your thoughts).When you center yourself in love, you cannot act in a destructive way. Supporting this person as they deserve to be supported requires this kind of heart-centered action. You may not say what she wants to hear, but it will be from a place of caring and truly wanting the best for her.Consider what she's asking you for, how she feels about the situation and the people involved in it, and what would make her life better in the long run even if it hurts now. Real friends don't placate each other with niceties just to offer momentary solace. Give love in all its forms, and even the painful kind will be appreciated.
STEP 5: ACCEPT & ENCOURAGE
Whatever she decides to do is her choice. You can't make it for her, even if it took you a lot of effort to get to a place in which you could even offer your advice. You have to accept her choice and make your own from there.Whichever way she's going, your continued encouragement will be appreciated. If she's stuck in a situation you're not the hugest fan of, all you can do is love her through it. You've voiced your concerns and that's all you can do. Now, you have to let go.On the off chance that she's angry with you for telling the truth (even if you did so lovingly), step back and let her work through it while letting her know that you love her and you're here for her when she needs you. Stay open. Stay vulnerable. As hard as it will be to resist shutting down or lashing back out from your own pain. She deserves your love in this moment. Think of how much she must be hurting. Think of where her reaction is coming from.Most likely, it won't end in an upset if you took all the steps listed above, so don't worry too much about that last paragraph. She'll be grateful for your presence and attention and the relationship will be stronger for it.
And lastly...
Honor yourself for escaping your protective bubble even if just for a few moments. It's a step in a healing direction. She'll be grateful for your support, and she'll know that it took you a lot to be there.Love means giving and receiving. Take the steps to give in times of stress and you'll keep your support system strong while strengthening your own resolve against struggle.
Love as you wish to be loved.
What Prompted Me To Write This
Over the past month, I've been re-assessing where I should place my focus in 2015. What I've found is that much of my joy and sense of purpose comes from interacting with members of The Strong Inside Out Bootcamp.Through really listening and being present with bootcampers, and having received Strongies' responses from our latest survey, I have come to a very exciting conclusion about a huge addition to our flagship program. I hear you, and I understand what you need. I'm really, really excited to start providing it for you in the new year.Coming in January, there will be some MAJOR changes to The Strong Inside Out Bootcamp that will add more accountability, personalization and humanity to the 6-month process. That's all I can reveal to you right now, but stay tuned as I shed light on the specifics within the next few weeks!That said, these new changes will cause the price of the Bootcamp to rise as we take on extra staff to create our new changes. If you want to get in (and receive the new added benefits) before we raise the price, you have until December 16th to do it!Click here to read all about The Strong Inside Out Bootcamp and join for only $47/month. This will be the last week we'll offer it at this rate.This next year is going to be extraordinary, my friends. I can't wait to really help you rise to the occasion.Stay strong,Amy