Forgiving a Grudge

I remember, back in B.P.T.A. times–before personal trainer Amy–an instance in which I was talking to a very good friend of mine.  We were going over ex-boyfriends and all the terrible things they've done to us girl-talk girl-talk blah blah blah.  We came to one case of her's in which the guy in question had cheated on her... multiple times.

She proceeded to tell me that she just talked to him on Facebook.Excuse me? I barked. You talked to him?!  You're friends with him still?  Even after he cheated on you?!Yeah, she said...

I find it takes more energy to hold onto hate than it does to forgive.

At the point I was at in my life, I heard this and it was like a light went on in my head.

I hadn't even considered forgiveness as an option.  I had always been so black and white about whether someone had betrayed me, wronged me, or I just plain didn't like someone.

I considered forgiveness a sign of weakness: that I would be giving up a part of myself and my pride by forgiving someone.

This girl is one of my favorite people on the planet because she exudes warmth and that comforting quality that we all look for in friends.  She focuses her energy on love and forgiveness instead of anger, resentment and holding grudges.  When you're around her, you feel it.  There's no judgment, no ill-will.  No ego to get in the way of our friendship.

Hearing those words was like hearing her call me out, though I know she wasn't purposely doing it.  And I was so grateful that she said them.

From then on, I started focusing on where I was putting my energy: love and openness, not anger, resentment and hate.

And guess what?  My career took off.  I found love.  And I've maintained consistent happiness (with down days of course) for the longest period of time since going off anti-depressants.

When I stopped devoting time and energy to hating or going out of my way to be negative about something, I opened myself up to allowing positive things into my life.

I started making it a point to act from a positive, loving place, and became keenly aware of how much negativity there is around me.  As I started to shed the negativity in my own life, I saw just how destructive holding a grudge really is.

I've seen it rip families apart.

It's severed the strongest friendships.

I see it ruin people's lives and keep them from enjoying the love and happiness that's there for them if they only allow it into their lives.

I'll be the first to say that it's not easy to let go when most of us have more practice in holding on.  But I will say that it's more rewarding.

I've never regretted forgiving someone.

So instead of actionable steps today, I'm going to ask you questions that will hopefully provoke you into action.  Put your ego aside for a minute to answer these questions honestly and in-depth.

If you're balking at the idea of letting go of your deepest grudge, consider these questions:

•Does this grudge affect your daily life?  How so?  How does it make you feel?  Does it weigh you down?  Do you think about it often?

•What are you losing by holding onto this grudge?  Family, friends, business relationships?  Time and energy?  Freedom of where to go when you want?

•What are you gaining by holding onto this grudge? Besides your pride, does anyone benefit from your holding this grudge?  How does it benefit you?  Does it give you peace of mind?  Does it enrich your life in any way?

•Does this grudge affect other people outside of the person you are holding the grudge against?  This is the hardest question to consider.  How does it affect the people around you?  Does it affect how your family operates?  Are you alienating friends or splitting them up?  What kind of example are you setting for your children?

•What would it feel like to let it go?  Stay with me here.  Just imagine what your life would be like to forgive.  What is the best possible scenario?  The worst?  What else could you be spending your time and energy on?  Would it reunite the people that your grudge is affecting currently?

If you've read this far, take that as a sign that you want to let go of that grudge, even if it's deep down inside.  You would have stopped by now if you didn't entertain the idea of forgiveness.So now it's time for the big question:

Why are you still holding on?

Because he/she wronged you?  How much are you willing to give up to hold onto your pride?  Your relationship with friends or family?  Is it really worth that much to you?Yes, everyone's situation is different and I can't tell all of you that forgiving is the only way to go.  For some of you, holding the grudge won't cost you all that much.  Maybe it helps you to cope with something that happened to you in the past.  Maybe it doesn't affect your daily life that much.Some of you won't come away from this post with happy feelings and a desire to right things that are wrong.  But I'm hoping that a few of you do.  I'm hoping that a few of you will open your lives up to the goodness that is available to you if you just let go of the heaviness that's holding you back.If you know of anyone that could use this reminder, or needs to hear it for the first time, please share it using the buttons to the left.  Let's lighten up the world. :)I know this is a controversial topic, and many of you won't agree with my stance on it.  Hell, I wouldn't have agreed with me 5 years ago!  I'm open to all your comments and questions; just post them in the comments below and I'll write back as soon as I can to address them.Sincerely hoping that this post helps some of you overcome the heaviness in your life,Amy