Dealing With Unmet Expectations
This post was actually requested by my hubby-to-be, and I hope the rest of you can benefit from it as well.Yesterday morning, at about 9:15 am, just 15 minutes after he had arrived at work, I got this email:
Subject line: Can i suggest a topic for you to write about?
Body: Lowering your expectations of people so you're not so disappointed.
That's all it said. Obviously, not a good morning at work.Do you ever feel like you're let down by those you work with? How about those you hang out with? Maybe even family members?I think we all have those people in our lives that we simply expect more from. That's normal. That's life.But what do you do when you don't get what you expect?Cry?Tantrum?Yell?All of those things are more harmful to you than they are productive for the relationship, and they more often than not won't get you what you want anyways.I say it all the time:
You can't control other people's actions, just your own reactions to them.
It makes life much harder when you rely on others to provide something for you. But we need help sometimes. There's a balance here that is not easy to pinpoint.What I want to address today is eliminating any sense of entitlement you may have, taking care of your "crazy energy" that may be pushing people away, and teach you how to deal with a situation that really does need to be addressed (a slacker).There are a few things to remember, however, when you start lowering expectations. These tips are important so you don't become jaded or pessimistic.
Instead of expecting the worst, simply expect less.
I am by no means telling you to expect the worst out of people. This would lead you down a very dark path. Rather, I want you to take a look at your expectations of those around you and ask yourself a few things.What can you really expect from this person? Are you asking too much?Are you feeling entitled to a certain amount of effort from others? Have they repeatedly told you that you expect too much?Is that something you hear fairly often: you expect too much?I want you to slowly release your grip on how other people do things. You can't control them, just as you can't be controlled by them. Sure, you may feel a certain way if they do something that affects you, but when it comes down to it, you control that reaction.You choose whether to let that go, or take it on as a personal attack.I'm going to urge you to choose the former.When we lower our expectations of those in our lives and eliminate our sense of entitlement, we may find ourselves more surprised and delighted at the actions others take due to our lack of expectations.
Let people off the hook.
The sense of entitlement urks most people. It's a turn-off.If people sense that in you, they may intentionally do less for you.Don't give them that option. Don't give them a reason to "teach you a lesson."Start letting people off the hook by asking them yes-or-no questions.
"Can you get this done by X time?"
"Can you be here at X time?"
"Can you give me X amount of Y?"
If they give you a roundabout answer, get them back to saying yes or no by calmly asking again, or giving them another option.Still not getting anywhere? Ask them what you can reasonably expect from them.Give them the option to name their own timeframe or production value. By doing this, you allow them to reflect on their personal work, how they operate, which takes the focus off of you and however they feel about you.Then, let them do it. Don't bother them about it. Don't check in millions of times throughout the day.Let them do their thing and only if they don't meet their own expectations, will you bother them about it again.
Breathe. Let go.
Another reason many people avoid going out of their way for certain people is because they have "crazy energy" all the time.They are either anxious, frazzled, angry, overwhelmed or another form of tension all the time.No one wants to be around that. No one wants to absorb that from you. And chances are that you don't enjoy it that much either.So get rid of it.Make yourself more fun to be around. Make yourself the person people will go out of their way to help.Start breathing. Whenever you're feeling these emotions, this tension, take a deep breath and let go.This last step is imperative, otherwise you will start stuffing your emotions down.You must let go so that it doesn't sit in you and fester, building resentment within you, ready to come out in a violent rant if they drip coffee on your desk.Whenever that urge to nag someone arises, take a breath. Let it go. They're on it, you already made sure. Let it go.
If you think someone is really slacking, address it... calmly.
The point of this topic is to address the way you bring up the issue with people that don't meet deadlines, or don't give you what you need.There are a few things to avoid when you are asking others to do things for you:
Accusations
Anger
Negativity
Blaming
Did they fail to meet the deadline you both set? Ask them for a simple explanation.Maybe something really did happen that they couldn't control. Maybe things changed and they want to do a more thorough job with additional information they didn't have before. Maybe they just couldn't get it done even though they tried their hardest, and now you know that timeframe isn't long enough for the next time around.If this is the case, the last thing you want to do is discourage their amazing work by starting off your talk with accusations, anger, negativity or blaming. Give them a chance to state their case! You would want the same if you were in their situation!The same goes with people you are close to that you're simply not getting enough from. Are they lacking in the areas of support, love, tenderness, or understanding?State your concerns calmly and objectively. Tell them what you expected and why. Allow them to state their case.
Dealing with not getting enough.
If you've addressed the situation, and there isn't a worthy explanation or you see no change the next time around, consider changing your expectations again or going to someone else for what you need.Sometimes, we just need to learn to expect very little out of certain people. Even if you wish your mom was your best friend, she may act like there are more important things now that you're out of the house and she has her own life. It's not personal! Be happy for her happiness!Maybe your dad can offer you that support instead, or even a good friend... or therapist!If you're left with no or lower-than-average expectations of a friend of loved one, read up on fire your friends for how I feel about that. You may be wasting your time with them in your life. You may both benefit from cutting them out, or spending less time with them.When the situation arises at work, however, it's a little trickier. It's not just emotions that are hurt or affected; it's a job. It's a salary. It's their family.When you have addressed the situation and see no improvement, you need to do something about it. Is it possible to find another source? If not, it may just be time to go to your boss and tell him the situation. If you're your own boss, find someone else to do the work that will stay on top of things.It's a lot easier to write than to do, I realize. But dealing with your life and the complicated people that flow in and out of it is what I'm all about.Your needs are worthy of attention, and if you've shed your sense of entitlement and "crazy energy," you may just be dealing with a slacker that needs to be cut.Harsh, but true.Bottom line: you come first.The way you interact with people, however, will determine the ease of passage through life. Act from kindness and love, and you'll get the same back. If not from the sources you originally go them from, then from others.
Are you faced with a slacker at work or in your personal life? What are you going to do about it? Share here in the comments, and please feel free to ask any questions that may be swimming around your head right now!
If you liked this post, check out Fire Your Friends and Deal With Your Life; they're right up your alley!Also, make sure to stay in the loop with my upcoming ebook! Get subscriber-only deals by signing up to the email list below! No spam, I promise. Just good old posts to your inbox and a free download!