The 3 Things I Did To Totally Eff Up My Life
This whole life situation that I have now is one that I never would have imagined living. If you had told me 10 years ago that I'd be here, I'd probably be A) angry that it wasn't exactly as I imagined it, and B) probably wouldn't even get to A because I just plain wouldn't have believed you... I also probably would have cried and had a panic attack.
The person I am today is completely different than the one I was in my late teens/early twenties. Most of us can say that when we reach a certain age, but I'm proud to say that I've constructed this life on purpose. It took years of patience and discipline, but I'm here now, stronger and happier than ever.
I can't say that it's always turned out that way. I had to fail a lot to learn what worked for me. Today, I want to shed some light on my most life-changing fails so that you can *hopefully* avoid them in your own life.
There are way more than 3 things I've done in my life that led it to get majorly effed up, but these 3 were the main factors that triggered my deep depressions, opened up black holes of self-worth, heightened my anxiety and completely blocked any semblance of success.
Your story doesn't have to look anything like mine for this post to apply to you (if it did, that would be really weird, actually). No matter what you're doing with your life, if you manage to avoid these 3 situations alone, you'll be so much more successful and happy for having done so.
I let my stubbornness kill my spirit
I had always told myself since I was in middle school that I would become a famous actress. Then, all those people and bullies who doubted me would be wrong. The people who thought I was crazy in high school would see that I was at least putting that emotional turmoil into something productive... and it would be beautiful. And I would come out on top and be able to rub it in all their faces. (I wasn't the most positive and understanding teenager)
When I moved to Hollywood to pursue an acting career at 19 years old, I was full of potential. I had the talent, the ethnically ambiguous look and tons of vigor to back me up. When fame didn't come instantly, however, I started to let show biz get to me.
Rejection after rejection at auditions started to chip away at my confidence. I started to wake up every day, hating my life. The only time I felt fulfilled was when I was on the stage... in acting class.
It killed me that I couldn't make a living acting right off the bat, so I stopped putting effort into finding jobs and a good agent – the rejection hurt too much so I didn’t put myself out there. I was acting in an insane way: expecting work to come my way simply by being good at acting. But no one knew who I was, and I wasn't introducing myself. In fact, I was embarrassed to say I was an actor because of the sheer volume of struggling actors in Hollywood. I was just one of thousands. I wasn't special.
Though I loved the "craft" of acting itself, the business was eating away at my soul and worsening my anxiety and depression. When you have strong doubts about yourself, and then the people who would cast you tell you that your doubts are right, it tears you apart.
For years, I held jobs waiting tables (which I hated), expecting jobs to be thrown my way and getting increasingly disappointed in life when they weren't. My depression got darker than ever and we all know where that led...
In the back of my mind, I knew about 5 years in that I wasn't cut out for the harsh business of trying to make it in Hollywood. We all hear the inspirational “Don’t give up – go after your dreams!!!" which I'll back up whole-heartedly when you are in full alignment with said dreams... but my dream was literally killing me. I just forced myself to keep going because I'd always said I would.
When I heard the voice that said maybe I should check myself and this acting thing, I took it to be doubt and smashed it down for years. I was too stubborn to take a step outside of myself to see how unhappy I was and that the root of it was in this stubborn "dream" I had. It wasn't even a dream anymore; it was a way to justify the years of hell I had put myself through.
“If I just ‘made’ it, everyone would be wrong about me,” I’d desperately tell myself. “They'd see.”
My stubbornness kept my trudging through the darkness for years. At least I had the wherewithal to get out of serving tables and into fitness. I got my personal trainer certification simply because I wanted another day job that was more flexible than waiting tables. I had no idea the world it would open me up to.
When I went to one last audition for a lead role on a TV show that's still on the air, had the best audition I've ever had, and then lost the role to a celebrity because I didn't have a "name," I finally decided to put my acting on hiatus. That's when I fully devoted myself to my training business.
I started giving my all to every single client. I invested more time into my programming. I signed up for more certifications to round out my practice. I started hanging out with happy fitness people who lifted me up instead of furthering my negativity.
I started to feel consistently empowered, full of love, and finally fulfilled in a way I'd never experienced. I healed myself through giving up on my "dream," and giving into my true bliss.
I decided to never go back to acting. I realized that I didn't need fame through acting to be happy; if I wanted to act again, I could join a theatre company or make my own indie films. I had never opened myself up to other opportunities for happiness because I was so set on the acting being "the only way."
My stubbornness kept me in my own personal hell for years, all because 13-year-old me said I should. It's crazy to imagine myself at 23 talking to a 13-year-old and promising that I'd continue to torture myself just to please her. Would you do that? No! Here's what I'd say now:
"I know you think you have to prove yourself to them, but you’ll grow up and learn that everyone who made you feel badly about yourself did so out of their own pain. You have to forgive them. You don't need to prove them wrong or validate yourself. You're beautiful. You're worthy. And you don't need to be a star to qualify yourself."
It took me almost 10 years from the day I set foot in Hollywood to let go of my stubbornness and finally open my eyes to true bliss. It's never too late to change the course and get happy.
If you're struggling, take a look at the situation you're in and ask yourself whether your dream is worth the journey. For you, it may well be. Mine wasn't, and when I was finally honest with myself about it, my whole world opened up.
Take courage to see your truth, and if needed, shed the stubbornness so you can finally be happy.
I fought for my limitations, not my strengths
There's one particular instance I remember that highlights this fail perfectly.
I was a freshman in high school and on the wrestling team (don't ask). The boy I had a HUGE crush on was also on my team, and he was always really nice to me... in part because I sucked horribly at wrestling.
At one of our meets, I came back to the bench where he and my best friend were sitting after yet another defeat. He started complimenting me on how well I'd done despite the loss, but I argued with him and brushed his compliments aside. He kept insisting that I'd done a good job, but I insisted right back that I sucked. I mean, obviously. I lost. There was absolutely no way in my mind that I could have done a good job. I walked away to go do something else.
When I got back, he was gone, so I sat next to my friend. She turned to me and looked me in the eye.
"Amy," she said. "You have to learn how to take compliments. [Super cute boy] was like, 'I wish she would just accept the compliments I give her. It's so annoying.'"
When you hear that a boy you're "in love with" thinks you're annoying for any reason at age 14, your world explodes in a fiery blaze. I remember feeling so embarrassed and finally thinking that yeah, maybe I should take some compliments sometimes even if I don't believe them.
But the thought stopped there; I didn't learn from that moment. I kept arguing for how much I "sucked." Instead of fighting for my strengths, I focused only on what was "wrong with me."
I dwelled in my depression. I gave into my anxiety. I swam in the pool of doubt and refused to get out. Whatever opportunity was thrown my way, I'd argue for why it wouldn't work, and I missed out on a lot of joy and adventure because of it.
I wasn't perfect back then, but I gotta say I had a lot going for me. I was beautiful, talented and intelligent. I just refused to see any of it because I was sitting in the corner with my eyes shut tight and my fingers in my ears, singing "LALALALALALALALA I suck I suck I suck!" as loud as I possibly could so that I couldn't hear anyone's positive remarks about me... not even my own.
It took me getting into my late twenties to start shifting my focus toward my strengths and away from my limitations, and it wasn't easy. I had to actively catch myself in the act of fighting for my limitations and force myself to choose an empowering thought instead.
It took years of practice, but it became habit. As I started to do it more and more often, I noticed that I started having more adventures, I started achieving grander and grander goals, and I started proving my doubt wrong in a profound way.
By asking the question, "What if I can?" instead of automatically saying, "I can't," I was able to raise over $18k for The 30x30 Project. I released The Strong Inside Out Bootcamp and saw people's lives transform, even if I was extremely scared to release a program like it. I booked this recent super-secret job with the production company behind P90X and Insanity (that I'm dying to tell you about, but I can't yet :)).
And there's more to come, I'm sure. All because I refuse to fight for my limitations. In fact, I'm determined to stretch them, so I do. I am constantly proving to myself that I am more capable than I perceive.
I'll still sense the urge to say "I can't," creeping in sometimes, but I catch it before it expands into a full-blown doubt-fest. It'll never be perfect abstinence, but I have a hold on it. And that's all it takes to break through the resistance that keeps you from joy and adventure.
I shut the wrong people out
My bestie and I were submitting some info for the recent project we both worked on together, and one of the questions was: "What are 3 words that describe you as a person?"
We both thought it might be a bit weird to choose them for ourselves, so we chose each other's. :) The first one she blurted out was, "loyal." It's a quality I hold very near and dear. The people I love in my life are SACRED to me. I look out for them. I go out of my way for them. I'd do anything for them.
Here's the scary thing: as loyal as I am, I have a history of turning complete 180's on people. If you've read Fire Your Friends, you'll know that I've written off friends of old because of my own sh**. I couldn't see past my problems, so I hurt people instead of dealing with my issues.
Some of my fired friends were fired in just – they were either draining my good energy, trying to keep me in a state of misery (consciously or subconsciously) or they wanted single-sided relationships in which I did all the giving.
Unfortunately, there were casualties of my escapism that didn’t deserve to get cut off that I could never get back. I shut people out who were really good people, who wanted to help me. I just wasn't ready to receive the help.
I haven't always been one to face my problems. I'm still working on it now, actually. I've been a natural escape artist my entire life, avoiding confrontation and discomfort. I'd drink or eat the pain away instead.
When I woke up and started the process of changing my life, I tried to contact one of the friends I’d unjustly cut off to apologize and ask for forgiveness. She said she appreciated my apology, but it could never be the same... which I had to understand. I made my bed and now I had to lay in it. She used to be my best friend.
When you’re in a place of such darkness, people who live in the light can be almost too much to handle. So we isolate. We withdraw into our caves. I personally just stopped talking to my friends, cutting them off without a word of explanation.
As much pain as you're in, take some time to consider the people who love you and want you to rise above this darkness. They want to help. Let them.
Think of them as your direct connection to a life of love and light. If you want to get out of this hole, you could use a hand. Don’t be afraid. You can handle this and everything else you’re dealt.
Now that I’ve gone through the 3 major things I did to eff up my life, let me just say this:
THE MIRACLE I’VE UNDERGONE TO CHANGE MY LIFE CAN BE YOURS, TOO.
Did I type that loudly enough for you to hear it? Let's try this again.
THE MIRACLE I’VE UNDERGONE TO CHANGE MY LIFE CAN BE YOURS, TOO.
I'm not anymore special than you. I don't have anything inside me that you don't also have. The only thing separating you from living this way is action.
My miracle recovery is your miracle recovery if you want it. Please take it.
Here’s to your miraculous life. May it be more than you ever dreamed of. [tweet it]
Stay strong,
Amy