Keeping Your Cool With People You Want To Punch In The Face
This morning, I was driving down Sunset Boulevard–a main thoroughfare for people getting to work on the East side of LA from the Westside.
As I stopped at a red light behind two other cars, an SUV pulled up alongside me in the right lane (Sunset is two lanes). She made the roll-down-your-window cranking motion, so–thinking I was going to help this woman with directions–I rolled down my window..."You should drive in the slow lane!"
I was stunned.
A. I had expected this soccer mom to apologetically ask me which way to the grocery store so she could pick up some Danimals, not a verbal assault!
B. I check my speed every minute or so on Sunset, knowing that it's an infamous speed trap during morning rush hour. Last time I checked, it was at 42 mph, well over the 35 mph speed limit. I thought I was going too fast!
Before I could say anything in reply, she yelled, "You're holding up all of traffic! Slow cars drive in the right lane!"I looked out my windshield at the two cars in front of me and said with disbelief, "But there are cars in front of me!"
She kept yelling the same argument at me, firing up my fight or flight systems, as I fired excuses back at her, making it even worse. This went on for the duration of the red light, until I made the decision to end the conversation.
"Have a good day!" I said sarcastically, and rolled my window up, fuming as she kept trying to yell through the extremely slow-moving glass.
Oh, how I wanted to punch this woman in the face just to knock some kindness into her.
It bothered me for about half an hour as I thought of things I could have fired back at her (why so angry, Lady?), if I really was driving that slowly (maybe it was my fault), how I probably saved her from a speeding ticket...Until I realized I was spending all this time and energy on this person that I couldn't control, rather than concentrating on how I could react that would save me all this inner torment.
When faced with a trying person, how do you react?
I thought of these steps (albeit after the fact), and am going to implement them from now on when I come in contact with an instigator.
One of the most important pieces of advice I received while going through therapy was this:You cannot control those around you, you can only control your reaction to them.
The reaction you have to negativity is a choice you make, and it usually happens in an instant.
We want to replace the negative instantaneous reaction with a calming, positive, protective one.
These steps are designed to help you catch yourself in that instant, find your clear mind, and react from your positive, true self.
Step #1 - Catch Yourself
The next time someone puts you on the defensive and makes you want to throw negativity right back at them so they feel the same pain they are inflicting upon you, STOP.
Become aware of your defenses and your tendencies to cause harm in those that harm you.
Step #2 - Deep Breath
Take one. Now.You'll notice that your breath will become short and rapid in these situations, causing your heart to pump faster to get more blood to your limbs where your brain thinks you'll need it.
But you're NOT punching someone in the face today.
So take a deep breath, center yourself, and stop the physical reactions within your body so you can think straight.
Step #3 - Consider That This Person May Not Be Having The Best Day
When someone lashes out at you for something seemingly trivial, it usually stems from their own issues, not yours.
It helps me in these situations to remove myself from my anger, and try to consider why this person might be acting this way.
Do you remember when you acted rudely to someone in the past because you were having a bad day? Don't you wish the victim of your strife would forgive you?
If adopting that perception fails, ask yourself this:
Why does it matter what this person thinks of you?
Do their feelings govern your life? Does this person's opinion hold sway in the level of your confidence?
Don't let someone else's opinions drag you down.
Step #4 - Release Your Need To Be Right
If you're still feeling that fist itching for a taste of said instigator's jaw, hold on a few more seconds.Why do you have to be right?
The ego is tied to the need to be right, to have the last word, and to defend its pride.Take a step back and look at this as if it's in a petri dish. Why is this tie to your pride so strong?
What would it be like to let this go?
Would you die? No. Would you be the bigger person? Yes. Would you feel better about it later? Yes.
So why not? Experiment with letting go of your pride and allowing the other person to be "right"... even if she's not. Let her have this moment.
A note about this step: you actually have to let this go. You can't just say you're going to let it go, then resent the fact that you did. This, like everything else, takes practice.
Step #5 - Stop The Negativity Cycle
Reacting in an explosive way furthers the cycle of negativity that this person is instigating from.Something negative happened to them --> they blow up at you --> you blow up at them...Stop this cycle now by rising above it.
It's easy to feed in to an instigator's malice. It takes a strong person to overcome their pride and let it go without retaliation.
And you'll feel better that you did. I am always more proud of myself when I can rise above a negative situation than when I give in to it....and not getting the cops called on you for punching someone in the face is a big plus. ;)
I know all you LA people have had some sort of run in like this, but how about everyone else?
Have you been in a situation like this and cringed at the way you reacted? How would you react differently now? Will you try these steps the next time around? What steps would you add? Have you been in situations like this in which you're proud of the way you reacted?
Looking forward to hearing about your reactions and how you're NOT punching people in the face!
Photo 1 by Reagan Muhoza on Unsplash
Photo 2 by Arisa Chattasa on Unsplash