Depressed Does Not Mean Sad: Tips for Helping Loved Ones
Since it’s National Suicide Prevention Week, I want to address some of the issues that people who are struggling deal with whenever the darkness rears its ugly head.
On Monday, we went over not feeling comfortable with reaching out for help. Today, I want to cover what can sometimes happen when you DO open up: misunderstandings galore.
I was surfing the interwebs the other day when I came across Chris Brogan’s most recent post, “Every Time I Talk About Depression – Being Brave.”
Chris hit the nail on the head when he described how people often misunderstand his depression…
“Often, people think I’m “down in the dumps” when I talk about depression. That’s not at all what I am. I’m going through a series of chemical reactions to some external stressor blended with inadequate or overtaxed internal coping mechanisms.”
Many friends and family members take it personally when I’m not feeling my usual bubbly self. As much as I can say, “It’s nothing you did or can help with,” I know they still have a tough time accepting that.
Now that I’m more open about my ups and downs, I find that my cheerleaders who don’t get depressed themselves sometimes don’t understand the full scope of what I’m experiencing when my serotonin takes a dive. It’s not their fault; it’s hard to fully grasp an experience you’ve never personally gone through.
So I’ve devised a list of tips, facts and advice to give to your cheerleaders when you are having a hard time expressing exactly what you need… or don’t need for that matter.
Here are some facts for you cheerleaders out there (or facts to share with your cheerleaders):
Sometimes, it just happens.
It could be hormonal, seasonal, induced by stress or lack of sleep, or triggered by something that we don’t even fully understand. Often times, depression just comes up and we’re not sure why. Please don’t keep prying as to what’s “making us sad.” We’re not sad; we’re just a little imbalanced at the moment. :)
When we need space, we need space.
The only way I truly start feeling better is being silent and doing something alone that grounds me in the present. I’m not very good at addressing my depression when I’m around other people, working a lot, surrounded with noise, or being pressured to go out. When we need silence, just give it to us for a little bit. It’s the best way for us to focus on how to make ourselves better.
If you’re concerned, ask.
A lot of people who suffer from depression never seek help for many reasons: stigma, fear, denial, etc. If you’re concerned about someone, don’t be afraid to ask if they’re ok and if there’s anything you can help with. When you do, try to keep it as open as possible and be ready to actually be there to help if you offer it. Don’t offer any specific remedies (see “Your way is not my way” below). Just let them know you care and that you’re there for them.
Anger is not helpful, neither is “Just get over it.”
As we already covered, depression is a chemical imbalance and can not always just simply be “snapped out of.” Instead of abrasiveness, embrace encouragement. Encourage positive actions that your loved one has expressed he/she would like to accomplish. Haven’t heard any from him/her? Ask.
The danger here is going into nagging territory. Encouragement is different; it is subtle and comes from a loving place rather than an urge to control. Give this person space to take action and with subtle encouragement, he/she will.
If someone has expressed the urge to hurt themselves, tell someone who can help.
This is tricky because if you tell someone, you run the risk of losing this person’s trust forever. If you don’t, though, you run the risk of this person taking his/her own life.
I would rather take the former than the latter. This person needs help and may be too afraid to ask for it.
If your loved one tells you that they are planning to hurt themselves, call 1-800-SUICIDE or, if it’s urgent, 911 (your local emergency number). If you’re just worried in a more general sense, check out TWLOHA’s resource page; there are tons of sites out there to help you understand what this person may be going through and how best to help.
Your way is not my way.
This tip is meant for anybody and everybody out there, even those struggling with depression right now.
Another great line from Chris’s post is, “Your way isn’t my way and my way isn’t yours.”
Some of the tips here might not apply to you or your loved one. Whatever your experience with depression has been in the past, this person is unique in the way they handle their own.
Meds, meditation, exercise, therapy, and many other options are available to your loved one, but he/she is the only one that can know for sure what works best. I try to keep an open mind when it comes to hearing about what helps each person most because, when it comes down to it, we can never know the full story behind what this person is going through. Judgement has no place here. Only love… which has been one of the best forms of medication I have personally come across.
The best way to help us is to let us know that we are loved.
This seems to work around the board.
The most precious thing in life is love. It strengthens us. It encourages us. It lets us know that we are not alone.
Be open with your love. We need to know that it exists, that we’re not standing up against the darkness by ourselves. Like I said in my last post, my family’s love helped me get out of my deepest depression and has helped me fend it off ever since. Without their support, I don’t know if I could have done it.
As much as we may come off tough, introverted, angry, stubborn or misanthropic, it’s often a front we put up to keep people from realizing the depths of our pain.
Be strong and show us how strong we can be, too. Your love could be what pulls us up and out of the darkness for good.
Questions about talking to your loved ones (from either side of this conversation)? Please don’t hesitate to leave them here, and I’ll help to the best of my ability.
For a few weeks I haven’t been feeling very productive or motivated. This morning my mom asked me “why are you in a bad mood?” and I just responded “I’m entitled to my feelings.” Her response was “ok, just asking.”
The two of us have never really been that open about feelings. I want to be able to talk about it but we’ve never really crossed that line. I feel like she wouldn’t understand. But her support would be nice. Any suggestions on opening up? I feel like she tried to ask how I was doing and I’m just not used to sharing these vulnerabilities.
Thanks for your posts and emails, they’ve been really helpful and inspiring :)
Hi Amanda! Thank you for sharing here; this is an issue that many of us who struggle with depression face, and I’m glad we’re bringing it out into the open here.
As you start opening up, it helps to voice how uncomfortable/awkward you may feel, but that you also hope that being honest will help bring you close together. My script looked like this (no, I didn’t write it, but this is how I approached it more or less ;)):
“I find that I have a hard time opening up to you because I’m afraid that you might worry/misunderstand/judge my feelings, but I love and trust you, and I want to be as open and honest with you as possible. What I would like from you is _____________.”
Telling this person how much you care about and trust them is a way to open them up to what you want to say to them. By sharing in this way, you can feel out whether or not this person would be the best person to talk to about your emotions. Gauge whether or not this person should be your confidant by how they react to this script.
If they are open and inviting, that’s a good sign. If they’re closed off, nasty or quick to worry, they might need more time and warming up, or you may need to speak to someone else completely. Not every loved one is a good confidant.
Please keep in mind that every person is different, and this is strictly what worked for me in the past. I am not a licensed mental health professional, so take my advice with a grain of salt. ;) I speak only from my own experience and from my experience coaching people who deal with similar issues.
Hope this helps, and thank YOU for opening up here. Remember: vulnerable is beautiful, too. :)
Thank you so much for your post, Amy! I have suffered a number of losses in my family lately and have really been struggling. I am taking an anti-depressant, but it isn’t a cure-all. This article will really help my husband to understand that it’s not him! He feels helpless not being able to pull me out of a “bad mood” and gets really frustrated. Your blog has really helped me and so many others. Please keep doing what you do!
Jennifer, thank you from the bottom of my heart. That means a great deal to me.
I’m really sorry to hear about your losses. I know you will get through this. Stay strong and please ask for help when you need it.
I hope this post helps your husband understand it’s not his fault. Sometimes the best way to support someone with depression is to simply listen.
There are a lot of people in my life who aim to “fix the problem” as well. It’s hard for them to accept that they can’t fix this. Just assure him that he helps simply by loving you, and be sure to be specific when asking for support. Sometimes I preempt a talk with my fiance like this: “Do you mind just listening while I sort out my feelings with you for a second?” or “I don’t know what to do with all these feelings right now, and talking about them makes it better. Would you mind helping me through this?” This way, your supporter knows exactly what you need in this moment. Voila, no excess or lacking support! :)
i have had a very busy life coming from a family of 10 with stressed out parents, 20 years in an abusive marriage and then 10 years supporting my children while working for 22 years in a fairly high pressure job. Some of it was fun but it was too much. Now i have a small income and just want to be on my own 90% of the time. Not sure if i’m depressed, or agoraphobic or just finally have the opportunity to be a hermit. I am happy where i am but worry I don’t want to do anything except watch TV and do craft. How do i find a balance between being active and productive and being a hermit.
Hi Precious! Thank you for your openness here. Hopefully I can help by shifting your perspective a bit.
Instead of thinking of yourself as a “hermit,” I would suggest you take on the term, “introvert.” I am working on a post right now about discovering that I’m an introvert, even though my job requires me to be extroverted. With you, it may be the same.
It sounds like you may just finally be getting the break you’ve wanted for so long. Your body/brain may just be decompressing after years of go-go-fo. It’s ok to want to be alone for much of the time. If it makes you happy, craft away! If it starts coming between you and those you love, or you find that you’re not getting everyday tasks done, you may be crossing over the line.
Some questions for you to consider:
When you see your loved ones, do you feel energized, loved, or otherwise more positive than you did before?
How does it make you feel to get outside and take a walk?
How does it feel to be active and productive/get things done?
If you want to find balance, ask yourself these questions when you’re having a hard time getting outside.
You’ll have to forgive me, because I don’t know that much about agoraphobia. I do know, however, that when I have been very depressed in the past, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Whenever I did get outside to work out, see friends, or just walk, I felt better.
I hope this helps a little!
when i was at work i went to a number of management courses and they often did a personality test – I always came up as an introvert but my colleagues were so convinced i was an extrovert they would not even let me in their group discussions. Funny hey. I’m good at being who i have to be when i’m around people but i think i have reached my limit.
i get the basics done around the house but not things like taxes and long terms things like spring cleaning
my children all have issues from their childhood, some find it difficult to talk to me much even though i know they love me and the other talk to me non stop. So I have mixed feeling around them
i have had 3 years not working and although i am content i’m finding it harder to leave the house and yet paradoxical i have been on a number of road trips to visit friends and family, but i am always so glad to get home and shut the door and then sit for days to recover.
Not sure if that is depression.
I’m not a mental health professional, but it seems like you might just need more time to decompress than others. I’m the same way. I need a lot of alone time to feel my best when I’m with groups or even friends and family.
thanks amy, i appreciate your input to me and the other contributors. You have a very kind and gentle style and i like that. I will try to relax and go with the flow and not look for problems that may not be there.
Amy, regarding “cheerleaders”: maybe it sounds a little bit pessimistic, but I guess, there will always be an unbridgeable gulf between the people who’ve been to depression (or have a tendency to it), and those, whose chemical balance is so stable that they will never suffer from it.
For example, I don’t believe people who say that they don’t get depressed from time to time. Well, I believe them as I believe that the universe is infinite. However, as I cannot realize completely how the space can have no end, the same way I don’t understand how a person can always be in a good mood :)
If someone is telling me about his/her friend who’s got depressed, and judges him/her for it, like s/he’s lazy or s/he just has to (yep, right!) “get over it”, it becomes obvious that although we’re talking on the same topic, everyone has a different emotional understading of depression. I relate to it with my experience of depression – it’s dark and lonely space I’d never like to return to, and the person I talk to, thinks of depression as a bad mood you can easily overcome.
Hi Alex! Thanks so much for your comment.
I think you have some really good points here, but I want to offer a smidgeon of my opinion on some of the matters you’ve brought up in your comment.
I think it is entirely possible to support and empathize with someone who has depression even if you’ve never struggled with it yourself. It is more difficult to understand and fully grasp, true, but a person can still make an effort and be the support that a depressed loved one needs. Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone who hasn’t struggled with depression before because they are unbiased toward methods of treatment and can be very good at simply listening.
I do believe that you’re right: no one is in a good mood ALL the time. The difference between fluctuating moods and falling in and out of depression, however, is the same difference between “sad” and “depressed.” They’re different animals.
I think the most important thing we can all do is try to understand and give love whenever we can, no matter what we think we know or don’t know about someone’s situation. :)
Amy, thanks you for your reply! I thought this morning: actually, it can be helpful to have someone, who hasn’t been to depression, beside you, because that person can be a vivid example that everything is not that bad as your mind is trying to make you think. Hanging out with that person may have quite a healing effect!
I think, the bad thing happens if that person is sure that s/he has understood you completely and starts projecting his/her emotional state on your situtation, trying to explain you that you’re too driven by emotions and it’s very-very bad. I mean, if the support turns into some irritation. The depressed person may feel like a burden for other people then.
I fully agree that sharing love is one of the best ways to strengthen someone in her/his struggle with depression. If the love is unconditional, without rules like “If you are depressed, I don’t love you anymore”, then it can really work miracles :-)
I agree, Alex: the bad happens when love is made to be conditional in this situation. It’s dangerous, and you’re right that it does make the depressed person feel like a burden.