It’s Your Show & Self-Doubt Ain’t Invited
Self doubt’s a bitch.
I don’t care who you are, every one of us has had these thoughts at some time or another:
I can’t do this.
Who am I to think I could accomplish this?
I’m nobody. I don’t deserve to do this.
STOP.
These thoughts can be consuming, overtaking all previous work we’ve done on ourselves, shutting the door in the face of any semblance of confidence you may have had.
Self doubt can keep us from achieving anything because it convinces us that there’s no point in trying.
So we stop. We just stop trying.
…but that’s a sure way not to get anywhere we want to be.
That’s a sure way to stay right where you are, snuggled up cozy and warm with your self-doubt.
If you stay here, you’ll never know what you’re capable of because you never gave it a shot.
You may have heard I was somewhat of a punk-rocker as a teenager, when my self-doubt was at its very worst. In homage to those days, I want to make today a little more fun by taking you to a show.
Here’s the twist: you’re the rock-star-to-be and this is YOUR show. You’re ready to show the world how awesome you are, but self-doubt is trying to drive you back into the green room.
I’ve worked long and hard on some techniques to squash that saboteur in her tracks before she starts dragging me down into the darkness. I hope today’s post can help you shut her down in time to put on your best show, too.
When those doubting voices threaten to ruin your night, take out self-doubt and replace her with that killer voice you have bound up inside of you.
…Oh yeah–and get ready to be famous. ;)
1. Take The Mic Away
You’re performing in your biggest venue yet: “your life.” This is the show that can make or break your career, and you gotta make it the most rocking party yet.
I like to think of the self-doubt as a person you didn’t invite who walks up on stage during the opening act and holds a microphone next to the speaker. You know that shrilling, high pitched, hurts-your-ears screech that drowns out all the good music?
The opening act warms up the audience for when you get out there! If she keeps going, everyone’s gonna leave!
What do you do in that situation?
Do you just look at the person holding the microphone, hoping that they’ll eventually pull it away from the speaker?
Do you resign yourself to the fact that this sound is just what you’re going to hear for the rest of your life?
NO! You go up on stage and say, “This is my party, biatch!” and you take the mic away from her ’cause she’s hurting everybody.
Think about that: everyone who will benefit from the things you want to do with your life–those same things that your self-doubter is telling you you can’t do–will be hurting if you don’t achieve these goals you’re aiming for.
So take the mic away from that self-doubter and give it back to the opening act you’ve worked so hard to book. This is your party and you say what goes.
When those thoughts of “can’t” pop into your head, stop them in their tracks:
•Recognize them for what they are: self-doubt.
•Say to yourself (whether in your head or out loud), “STOP.”
It may sound ridiculous, but saying “stop” out loud is really quite effective. I’ve internalized it over the years, but I still use it all the time.
2. Bounce Self-Doubt, Bring in Reaffirmation
After you’ve gotten the mic away from this trespasser, you gotta get her out of here before you get up on stage.
Thing is, security’s telling you you can’t just take her out, you have to bring someone else in to replace her. Apparently, there’s a minimum at this venue.
When trying to get rid of a stunting negative thought, it’s tricky. You can’t just get rid of it; you need something to replace it with. Trying to just stop that negative thought without replacing it with a counter thought is a recipe for disaster. It can lead to obsession and catastrophizing because you’re refusing to deal with it; they just build up. You need a counter thought if you want to avoid all that nonsense.
So who do you call in?
Given the damage self-doubt’s done to everyone’s ear drums, I’d recommend a damn good musician to bring the spirits back up in the crowd.
Let’s call this rock star, “Reaffirmation.”
Reaffirmation comes in to counter what self-doubt did to your party. She brings the life back to it.
She comes in 3 forms:
#1 to reaffirm the reasons why this goal matters so much to you. Remind yourself of why you’re doing what you’re doing. Why is this important to you?
example: Why are you trying to accomplish this?
#2 to ground yourself in the reality of the situation, rather than defeatist thoughts. Looking for proof in your self-doubting thoughts is a great way to get us logical thinkers to gain quick perspective. Usually, you won’t have substantial proof to back up this negative thought. Use that to move on to #3.
example: Why can’t you do this?
#3 a mantra you say that counters a recurring doubting thought. This thought gives you something else to focus on that holds truth for you and gives you strength when you need it.
example: “I can do this,” or “Yes I can.”
Depending on your personality, one of these forms of reaffirmation can strengthen and invigorate you back into the groove of your goals.
She may need practice to sound natural, but give Reaffirmation a chance: she’s got potential.
3. Showtime
Now’s the fun part: you gotta perform like you mean it.
It’s your turn to take the stage and show everyone just how amazing you are. You gotta get up there and sing your freaking heart out.
The purpose of life is to be in it, fully and without apology.
Get up on that stage and sing so loud that self-doubt will stop banging on that door because she’ll know no one will hear her.
Dance like you’ll never get tired.
Thank your band for backing you up even when you felt like the show might not go on.
Be the rock star you are. It’s there. It’s in you. You just haven’t chosen to show everyone yet.
Well, hey, I’ve been a groupie for quite a while now, and I can say, the world doesn’t know what it’s missing yet.
Get out there and show them.
Your voice could change lives. Don’t keep that from them.
Hi, Amy!
The issue your post is devoted to is just exactly what I was dealing with during the last three weeks.
About twenty days ago I suddenly came up with an unexpected idea to make a simple application for the local social network (a clone of Facebook). And of course, as it always happens to me, as soon as I started working on the application, the self-doubt began whispering in my ear: “Noone needs it… You’re just wasting your time…”.
However, this time I was ready for it. So, how did I overcome those treacherous thoughts? The self-doubt tried to make me think this way: “I won’t do it, because “. As soon as I became aware of this unconscious pattern of thoughts, I’ve put them down on paper. Then I turned this sentence upside down and wrote down: “I will do it, because “.
This trick really helped to see my project from another angle, not from skeptical, but from optimistic one. Now the application is ready and I’m looking forward to make it popular!
Great process, Alex! That sounds like a very interesting idea, too. Good luck launching it! :)
I know from very recent experience that reaffirmation is a great tool to not only tell your inner critic to f*** off, but also to keep depression, and the demeaning thoughts that come with it, at bay.
In an ideal world, no one should be asking for permission to be themselves and accomplish great things.
Hey Amy! Wow, I really needed to read this advice right now. A week ago today, I finally decided to launch my blog. But that launch didn’t come without A LOT self-doubt and internal wrestling with myself. Similar to Alex’s comment, I had some quiet moments thinking to myself “does the world really need another blog?” or “no one is going to read your stuff, why are you wasting your time?” But like you said in your post, I called on my girl Reaffirmation and she said to me “Seriously? Stop it! Why in the hell can’t you do this? Man up and keep writing. You’re launching this damn blog because the world need to hear what you have to say!” Reaffirmation can be tough on me sometimes, but that tough love was exactly what I needed.
Thanks for the great post, it has been bookmarked for later reference in case I need to give her (Reaffirmation) a call later. Keep up the great work!
Shola recently posted..The 21 Inescapable Laws of Customer Epicness
Love it! You tell that B who’s boss! ;)
Happy to help. Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Hi Amy,
another great post, I’ve always marvelled at people that seem to turn a shitty situation around with calm and poise. I struggle with self imposed limitations I put onto myself, setting myself up for failure and self loathing over and over again. At 33 I’ve lived with it long enough to want to replace the self doubt with something else, so thank you for putting your voice out there.
Sarah
Sarah Woods recently posted..The New Outdoor Kitchen
Always happy to help, Sarah. Bring in Reaffirmation and kick that sucker out already! ;)