Talk Is Cheap: Work Through Your Resistance & Get The Hard Sh** Done
I finished an email today that was probably THE most fear-inducing, resistance-provoking, anxiety-producing email I have ever spent time on.
It was the email that would decide the future of the dreams I talked about in I’m Not Dreaming Big Enough.
A curious thing happened while I was working on this email.
Every time I would open the draft in google docs, I would literally, physically react. My body would clench. My heart would start beating faster. And in more cases than not, I would immediately navigate to a calming, safe site instead like Facebook or Pinterest.
Chances are, you’ve encountered this before, even if it wasn’t as extreme.
Resistance and the avoidance we use to put those tough tasks off threaten to keep us from growing or accomplishing anything.
We get “stuck” in the fearful state. But those fears need to be faced and conquered in order to move past them.
The thing was, this email needed to be sent in order for me to move forward with these plans. (I promise I’ll tell you more when I receive word back :))
I didn’t want to be like so many people, who talk themselves up so much that they never get around to getting anything done.
When it comes to big-deal tasks that take effort, doing can be harder than talking about it… which is why I’ve chosen not to speak openly about these dreams in detail yet. I don’t want to rely on the “social reality” without having accomplished anything.
Let me explain what that means…
As I mention in Make This Your Moment, recent research shows that those who tell people their goals are less likely to achieve them.
This is big news to the personal development world. For years, we’ve been touting the benefits of telling people about your goals in order to stay accountable. Now we’re being told that we’ve been wrong this whole time!
It makes a lot of sense, actually.
The tests identified that the feeling of telling someone what you’re trying to accomplish creates a “social reality.” Your mind thinks that you’ve already accomplished what you’re telling people about.
But how far do we really get talking the talk without walking the walk?
If I don’t exercise, I don’t stay in shape.
If I don’t practice mindfulness and positivity, I don’t feel happy.
If I don’t eat right, I don’t stay lean.
If I don’t write, Strong Inside Out goes nowhere.
So this feeling of accomplishment isn’t backed up by anything. I have a sneaky suspicion that once that initial feeling wears off, you’re gonna feel a lot of regret for not taking action.
I like to live a life of no regrets.
So I had to find a way to face the resistance around finishing that email and work through it, in order to take this necessary step. I had to become aware of my resistance, face my avoidance tactics and force myself to deal.
I faced a lot of fear. I took a lot of deep breaths. I even reached out to some of my most trusted friends for guidance.
And I sent it.
I’m experiencing so many feelings: scared, hopeful, excited, relieved… and accomplished.
This sense of accomplishment, however, is not the kind that will keep me from taking further steps. This is the one that drives me to grow.
The kind that drives me to write even when my eyes hurt and twitch from long hours at the computer. The kind that makes me feel like I’m doing something bigger than just myself.
What I want for you is this same motivating accomplishment. I want you to feel that drive from taking action, from doing those big things you keep talking about doing.
But we need to deal with resistance first. We need to find out what it is, and deal with it so that it loses power over us.
I want you to stop talking yourself up, and instead, start creating your life through actions. You can think as positively as you want and talk forever about everything you want to accomplish, but you know where that will get you? Into a life of regret and stagnation.
If you want to take your life past words and into experience, start here:
1. Become Aware of Resistance
The first step of this equation is becoming aware of what’s holding you back from taking action at all.
Those things that matter most to you that you keep putting off are going on your back burner for a reason.
If you went through last week’s post and did the exercise, you realize that the benefits of taking action far outweigh your excuses not to.
But what if you’re coming up against something bigger, like I did this week? What if it’s not just laziness or excuses, but a deep-seated fear of failure or rejection?
Well, identifying that resistance is what this step is all about.
When you start thinking about doing this big task, what thoughts do you start having, or do you have a physical reaction?
I listed what happened to me in the beginning of this post, and it could be similar for you. Other common reactions could include anxiety, hyperventilation, dreading spending time/effort, fear of judgment, shaking, loneliness or even embarrassment.
List them out if even in your head, just so you can identify what you’re up against.
2. Face Avoidance Tactics
These are the things you choose to do instead of getting the important thing done.
For me, this included Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, email, phone calls, TV…
The list goes on and could include different things for you.
Identify the avoidance tactics you go to and why.
Is it mindless Pinterest-surfing, serving to get your brain to stop thinking/fearing/catastrophizing?
Is the feeling of loneliness causing you to turn to Facebook or Twitter?
Do you revel in other people’s accomplishments as they get posted on social media, rather than trying to build your own?
Tough questions here, I know, but we want to get to the bottom of this so that we can grow to the top.
Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself. You must face the hard stuff so you can break through to the other side of it.
3. Deal
Ok, you’ve identified your resistance and your avoidance tactics. Now what?
Time to walk through the fire, my friends.
Now that we know what we’re dealing with, it will be much easier to set up a “deal checklist.”
In order to deal, we’re gonna make a deal with ourselves.
Set up rules for yourself. I know, I know, I’m not a fan of rules either, but these can be really helpful when dealing with a lot of resistance.
For me, I would make myself focus and work on that email for 30 straight minutes at a time, no social media interspersed in there.
Yours might be turning off the phone for an hour at a time as you jam through a chapter in the book you’re working on.
Or you could force yourself to shut off the TV or put in headphones while you edit those photos you’ve been holding onto for so long.
Maybe even consider *gasp* shutting your phone off until you complete a specified chunk of work!
There are a lot of other things you can do to help motivate you to get this thing done. Here are some ideas:
Come up with a mantra
Ok, as hippie-dippy as it may sound, mantras are incredibly helpful if you can repeat them without self-judgment.
The cool thing? No one has to know that’s what you’re doing. ;)
These are some that have helped me along the way:
This will take time, but every minute I put in is a minute less I need to spend on it.
This is tough, but the harder I work on it, the better it will turn out in the end.
This work matters, and it’s all worth it.
Find dealing music
I turn to Spotify or Pandora when I need to focus focus focus. My favorite working music is a starred playlist I’ve compiled on Spotify of some random awesomeness: Yeasayer, Fun., Imagine Dragons, and yes, even some Phil Collins are just some of my recent favorites. Find what encourages you to do good work.
Now, this may be different from the mixes you play in the gym or in your car. We want music that motivates you to get sh** done, not to relax and do nothing to. Sooo, your bedside mix probably won’t fly here.
I know a lot of people that work best to classical music because they don’t get caught up in the lyrics. There are other more contemporary music options that don’t have lyrics, like The XX and Explosions In The Sky.
Play around a little and find what works for you.
*****
I’m still in a state of numerous emotions. But I’m finally free of that nagging pit in my stomach that’s been around for the last month.
Do you have something important to do?
Trick question. We all do.
You are here for a reason. What’s yours?
I would normally ask you to share it in the comments below, but given the recent research, I’m going to advise you to keep it to yourself for now. :)
If you have any questions or concerns, however, don’t hesitate to post them below!
Anxiously, excitedly, fearfully, victoriously,
Amy
Great post Amy. I had never heard of the “social reality”, but it makes a lot of sense. I do feel, however, that all dreams/goals shouldn’t be held onto. For example, I have many aspirations with my career, but I feel the need to tell me wife to get her opinions. I find that if I don’t tell someone I trust and can give me constructive advice, I keep these ideas in my mind and never act on them – continue status quo. Converely, my wife’s family has been asking me what my career goals are and I’ve started to divulge them because I feel confident that I will achieve them – I just hope I didn’t create that “social reality”.
Hi, Bren! You’re right, talking to someone who your decision directly affects is a smart move. I talk over most things with my fiancé as well.
I think the key is refusing to rely on that “high” you get when you tell people those goals, no matter who you tell. I just don’t want you to get stuck in “dream world” forever; I want you to be living it! :)
Hey, Amy,
It’s true that telling people about your intentions, plans and ideas decreases your chances to reach your goals eventually.
When I tell my friends about the idea I’d like to implement it creates a weird situation (yep, “social reality”): it seems that as soon as I take the plans out of my head, make it public and receive feedback from people, my (sub?)consciousness decides that that’s enough, my social function is accomplished. It’s like I stop feeling that strong attraction to my goal anymore.
Another thing I don’t like about telling people about my plans is that I start feeling myself obligated to achieve ‘em. It seems like I don’t WANT TO accomplish them but HAVE TO. The resistance appears.
Once my good friend said to me that he likes me because I do first, then tell about what I’ve done, postfactum. Of course, those words are very flattering for my ego :-) However, there’s a downside of that approach I’d like to mention. As I don’t tell about my plans, it may seem to others that I have nothing interesting happening in my life. Sometimes when I am asked what happened to me recently, I put a lot of effort into keeping silence, and just come up with a general reply like “Everything’s fine. Nothing exceptional.” At the same time, every cell of my body is screaming so I tell what I’ve been working on. Very strong temptation, I have to say :-) However, I know if I tell, I’ll loose quite a big piece of that inner energy, which supplies my actions toward my goal.
YOu’re totally right about the have-tos vs the want-tos. That obligation that builds up when you tell others about what you’re planning is tricky and daunting.
It sounds like you talk yourself DOWN, Alex! You don’t have to say “nothing exceptional,” because you know that’s not true! You can say things that make it clear you have a lot going on without being specific about it.
I hope you scream your accomplishments from the rooftops in celebration of getting them done! :)
Hey Amy,
I just wanted to share with you that I achieved my goal finally, the one I didn’t tell other people about – I spent 2 months in China and returned home a couple of days ago. I want to thank you for an inspiration and support you gave me!
Alex recently posted..Dec 18, Sixty Days in China
Amazing, Alex!!! Congratulations! I’m so happy to have supported you! :)
Hey Amy,
I wish you well on your current “project!” Years ago, the advice was to keep your goals to yourself. When that changed I never bought into that. Energy for the goal was expended, a pseudo feeling of success set in, and when you abandoned the goal you felt more like sh** than ever!
Love you thoughts on resistance. Have you read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield? He’s the author of “The Legend of Bagger Vance” (a pretty good movie) and many other books. He coaches writers (and others) on how to overcome Resistance (with a capital “R” as he puts it.) You might enjoy that.
Anyway, good stuff Amy. Go for the gold!
Carmelo
Hey Carmelo! Good to see you over in these parts! ;)
I haven’t read “The War of Art,” but I’ve heard great things about it. I will definitely have to check that out. Thanks for the tip!
Hope to see you around here again soon!
Thanks for advice, Amy! I’ll try to apply it next time I get to that kind of situation. However, when I start talking about my ideas and plans, it’s hard for me Not to go in specific details, ’cause I get really excited)
Alex recently posted..Aug 12, How You Can Recreate Your Social Circle
I completely understand that, Alex. That means you’re doing something great! :)
Hey Amy –
I have a question in regards to this post. I do not disagree that vocalizing your goals to others may not be the best idea, but is it still ok to think to yourself that you’ve already accomplished them? The reason I ask is because there are those out there, like Wayne Dyer (The Power of Intention) who say that those that think this way are far more likely to actually achieve their goals. What are your thoughts on this concept?
James
Hi James! Good to hear from you! :)
Ah, the power of intention. I am well-schooled in The Secret, and to an extent, yes, thinking as if you already have accomplished your goals can be a powerful energetic force. I, however, believe that people can get caught up in the thinking just as much as they get caught up in the talking. Without action, our thoughts and words dissipate quickly.
I like to ACT as if I’ve already achieved my goals, which involves strutting with confidence and assuredness that I am WORTH these accomplishments. To put yourself in that headspace is smart, just make sure you do something with it! :)
Haha, I’m still here Amy :)
Thank you for this response, you put it in perspective for me. Of course, action is the key! I’d like to quote the movie ‘Rudy’, when his Catholic teacher in High School tells the class, “The trouble with dreamers is, they aren’t doers”. You can think about your goals until Hell freezes over, but they will never happen if you do not get up, get out, and get going!! Have a good day.
James
Yes! Very true.
…and I love that you quoted “Rudy.” bonus points :)
Happy to help however I can, James! Talk soon!
One of the most inspriational movies I’ve ever seen, and one of my personal favorites as well. :) I still choke up a bit the first time Rudy runs onto the field for his first playing time at Notre Dame. Anywho, I still check stronginsideout every day for your wonderful posts. My personal recovery is going well, and I’m loving positive energy! Thanks for the bonus points lol.
James
You know, this has been on my mind a lot. I wrote about it myself just last week (and never posted it). I have tried to walk the walk by taking some step in the right direction hoping that it would propell me to keep moving…it hasn’t.
I feel paralized at times. I’m not really sure why. I know what to do, I know how to do it, and yet, I don’t move.
Maybe i need to try the music thing…only thing I haven’t done yet.
Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is moving forward while I sit still. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who needs a little push.
You’re never alone, Dawn. In fact, we’ve missed you! Good to “see” you again! :)
I think the best thing to do is to keep taking those steps. It gets less scary and less paralyzing the more you do.
Please send updates after trying the music!
Good for you Amy! You faced down your fears and did it anyway. What most of us forget is that every single person who has ever done anything significant has had to push against the resistance of their fears again and again in order to succeed at their dreams. While the fears may or may not go away, I think our courage does grow making it easier as time goes by. Plus I think when we understand how much our subconscious has to do with our experience–we are very careful about what we put in there on a regular basis. Keep up the good work!
Kathy recently posted..The Science Behind “You Get To Make It Up!”
Thank you for the kind words, Kathy!
That’s right. It makes me feel less alone to think of what those who have accomplished a lot have pushed through at one time or another. If they can do it, we can, too!
That post came just in time for me. Thanks!
Happy to hear it, Judith! :)