Stickin’ It to The Negative Nancies
So I’m getting married.
Yay!
Woohoo!
…is most people’s reaction when they hear the news.
But there are some of those other people out there who pull this one:
“Oh, are you sure you want to do that?”
“Weddings are soooo expensive!”
“You’re gonna be engaged for how long? You’re just prolonging the stress, you know.”
“Marriage changes things.”
Wow. Thank you, Positive Penny. I’m so glad you support the decision we’ve made to celebrate our love.
Seriously?!
I’m sure you’ve felt this way before, too:
You’re achieving great things or just had an exciting event happen in your life, and all a person wants to do is poo-poo all over it?
Some examples include:
“Congratulations on your recent weight loss! Now how long do you think it will be before you give up this dieting thing?”
“Wow, you left your corporate job to work for yourself? Is that really a good idea in this economy?”
“Oh my gosh, you’re pregnant! Hope you’re ready to put aside your hopes and dreams…”
Well, like I always say:
We can’t control other people’s actions, just our own reactions to them.
…easier said than done, right?
I thought I’d give this a little more attention today, especially because so many people around me are achieving great things! Let’s keep that positive momentum going and shield our happiness from the Negative Nancies!
The Process
This is what will probably happen in you subconsciously after being questioned or confronted…
1. You tell the person how excited you are about XYZ.
2. The person acts or says something unsupportive, negative or just plain mean.
3. Defenses go up, making it difficult to listen to reason, your own or theirs.
4. You feel upset that this person took the wind out of your sails, either blaming them and getting angry, or questioning yourself and your happiness. You might even feel stupid for having gotten excited about it in the first place.
Stop right there!
It’s time to reframe the way we’re looking at this situation.
The Redirect
Instead of closing off, getting mad, or turning in on yourself, take a breath and remember these steps:
1. It most likely has nothing to do with you
Step one is to realize that most people’s comments are a reflection of their past or present that they are projecting onto you.
For instance, most people that have been negative about marriage to me are those who have gone through nasty divorces.
There is a case of “let me save you from the hardships I went through” here, and for that, we should be grateful. Even though it may come across as harsh, they are trying to save us from pain or disappointment. They’re trying, in their own way. :)
Another factor could be jealousy. They might look at what you have or what you’ve accomplished, and wish they had that, too… but since they don’t, they don’t want you to bask in the glory of it either, so they’re gonna try to take you down a peg.
Yeesh. Scary to look at on paper, but all to common out there in the real world.
Maybe they lost weight and gained it all back before.
Maybe they desperately want to leave their job but never got up the balls to do it.
Maybe they’re having a hard time getting pregnant and it hurts to hear that someone else has been successful.
People don’t want to suffer in pain by themselves. If they don’t have the right coping mechanisms, they could very well try to drag other people into their misery so they feel less alone.
They feel weak and out of control, so they try to gain back control over YOUR feelings by taking away your happiness.
Do me a favor:
Don’t let them.
These Negative Nancies–whether they’re this way by choice or subconsciously–can only take away your happiness if you let them.
2. Before you respond…
Breathe!
Deep breath in.
…aaaaand let it out.
3. Frame an honest, level-headed response
With this step, you want to address two things:
A. Be honest and open; it will have better results than if you were to come from a place of anger or melodrama.
and
B. Let them know that comments like this are not welcomed with a rebuttal that stops the conversation entirely.
Letting this person know how their comment hurt you is a way to avoid negativity like this from happening in the future.
This person may have no clue that their words have such an effect on you.
Acknowledging their attempt to save you from pain and without placing blame, tell them how you feel about their response.
For instance:
“When you ridicule my diet, I feel like you’re not supporting me and my journey to health.”
“I understand that you want the best for me, but I feel that this is what’s best and I would really appreciate your support.”
“It means so much to me that you care for me enough to voice your concern, but this is something I’m really excited about and something I’ve been working toward for a long time. I don’t appreciate the negative comments.”
…or mine: “I think every couple’s journey is different and since we’re not the typical couple who relies on a piece of paper to keep us together, we’re just really excited to celebrate our love and take this next step in our lives… but I appreciate your concern. Namaste.”
;)
Be ready for their defenses to go up. Be ready for them to fire something right back at you.
They most likely aren’t expecting a calm and collected rebuttal from you, so their prepared arguments won’t fly here.
But they’ll probably try to use them anyways. Nastiness can start spewing here. Be prepared.
The good part about this? You’re already prepared to deal with whatever they throw back at you.
Just repeat steps one through three!
The more calm and confident you are when discussing your feelings, the less they’ll feel they can pull one over on you. Eventually, they’ll probably give up trying to sway you with their “advice.”
You’ll be hearing less poo-pooing in no time.
Are you coming up against Negative Nancies in your life? Have you dealt with them successfully in your past?
I’d love to from you in the comments:
How do you deal with negative comments, and what would you suggest other people do to avoid taking poo-pooing personally?
Looking forward to hearing from you guys!
If you liked this post, check out: Assert Yourself and Shut Your Mouth: How To Stop Spewing Negativity.
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photos by Helga Weber
Amy, this is such great advice! It’s not only difficult to learn to not take these types of comments personally, but it’s equally difficult to learn to firmly and confidently respond. I have lived with negative comments about my dreams my whole life and unfortunately became an expert on internalizing the negativity rather than rising above it.
It’s only been recently that I have been able to understand that sometimes it’s the people who want the best for us who can be the most critical, and often unintentially. But there is a fine line between accepting constructive criticism and allowing negativity into your life. It takes a wise person to to see the difference.
Oh, I feel you, Christine! I internalized negative comments for a big portion of my life. I actually was a Negative Nancy up until a few years ago!
I’m glad you’ve learned how to see the difference between constructive criticism and negative dream-bashing. I’m still learning and working on it every day! :)
There is a lot of advice online that basically says “get rid of all the negative people in your life”. I understand this and in many cases agree. But sometimes, those people are my friends. And they have some awesome things about them. Just certain topics send them in the wrong direction.
I like this article Amy because you address a method to deal with these friends rather than just cutting them out of your life.
I’ll share my 2 cents on how I deal with negative nancies.
I think it is very important that I know my audience when I am sharing certain aspects of my life. In other words, when I talk to my friend who has always wanted to start a business but never has I shouldn’t share with him how I am starting one.
If I am getting really fit I probably shouldn’t share it with my super overweight friend who refuses to try and lose any weight.
They aren’t the audience for this. I have a million other things I can talk about and I think it is often just a bad choice to hone in on the one area they are struggling with and to essentially rub it in their face (though, that isn’t how I mean it they will likely feel it that way).
I do understand that there are times when I am excited about something and if my friend refueses to hear about that… Well, then I think I might have to really step back and reassess the friendship.
Just my 2 cents.
Izzy recently posted..The 1 Thing Every Dream Must Include
You’ve got a really good point here, Izzy.
I went to a dinner, knowing that this person who is currently going through a nasty divorce would be there, and I made it a point not to bring up my recent engagement on my own account. The funny thing was HE did… then wouldn’t stop asking me about it.
You can do what you can, but I’m guessing that if you lost a lot of weight (and I know you did!), your friend’s gonna notice and say something.
I just don’t want you to feel like you have to hide your happiness not to upset someone else, but I am on your side with picking and choosing who to bask in that happiness with. If those negative people are your friends, they obviously offer positivity and support in other areas of your life which shouldn’t be disregarded. It’s when that negativity overshadows all the good in a relationship and starts to weight you down or hold you back that I think you should consider firing your friends.
I hope this helps and clears up some of my thoughts on it! Again, though, I think you have some really great points here, Izzy!
I’ve spend alot of my life dealing with negative comments. At first I would get angry. Then I realized that these folks really are so unhappy in their lives they wish to make everyone else just as unhappy. I used to just take their comments in silence. But that didn’t seem to work. They seemed to just keep at it until a response came. Like you I take a breath and then explain “This might not be correct for your life, but it is perfect for mine”. I love being married. It will be 16 years this Aug. We’ve been together 20 this Sept. I love him more everyday. I love to come home every night. He is my world. Most folks can not help but inform me that I am “wrong” about my marriage. I simply don’t care what they think be it my marriage, my job, my home, my weight, whatever.
THANK YOU, PAULA! I love hearing stories from people about their successful marriages. It warms my heart. :)
That realization was a big one for me a few years ago. My best friend at the time fit into that negative category and I just didn’t understand why I was feeling so exhausted after our meetings until I started forcing myself to pay attention to it. I still miss her sometimes, but I sure don’t miss the comments she’d make.
I am glad that I took your advice about cutting out the negative folks in my life. I always felt so terrible if I even thought to do it. But as you pointed out in another post, the good can’t reach you if the evil is surrounding you. I still love the toxic folks that are so bitter they couldn’t support me, I just don’t dwell with them any longer.
That’s a great way to be: “I still love the toxic folks that are so bitter they couldn’t support me, I just don’t dwell with them any longer.”
Hi Amy,
2 things to start off,
1) Great post &
2) Great comments!!! (Go Paula!)
My first response to this was, just look at them and say “Man, you’ve got issues!”. But that is just my flippant response (although it has an element of truth in it).
I think your advice is really good, and it makes a lot of sense. Izzy’s point also is very good. We need to treat people as friends first and recognise that they might have some personal issues about the subject of our happiness. In reality, it has nothing to do with us. Cutting them down or removing them from our life at the first hurdle isn’t necessarily the best thing.
I think the advice you give above actually shows compassion for the people in our lives, whilst at the same time asserting that you are not going to feel unhappy or negative just because someone else had a bad experience. This is important and admirable. Too many people throw the baby out with the bathwater.
There is a time and a place for genuinely caring advice. It certainly isn’t at the time of you announcing what you are happy about.
Thanks for this, Amy.
Keith recently posted..72 Things I Don’t Want To Regret On My Deathbed
YOu have a lot of great points here, Keith! You’re right in that cutting people down or removing them from our lives at the first hurdle isn’t the best thing to do. That’s what I fear people will misunderstand about fire your friends- I’m not saying go fire them if they say one rude thing to you! We’re all humans; mistakes happen. It’s when these people are repetitively mean and unsupportive and refuse to listen to your feelings that drives me to make the cut.
Thanks for sharing your insight here, Keith!