Face Your Numbing Agents (and A Cry To Help)
The other day, I watched a TED talk given by Brené Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability.” I was so inspired that I decided to write a post about it and how it relates to what we deal with here on Strong Inside Out…
If there is anything I understand in life, it’s vulnerability.
I spent almost my entire life hiding my vulnerability, pretending I was tougher than I was. Hiding all the intense emotions that weighed me down everyday until I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Now, on the other side, my success has come from allowing myself to be vulnerable. Hell, pushing myself to be more vulnerable for all of you guys so that you (hopefully) feel less alone.
The thing about this is that every single one of us has this depth of vulnerability. And every single one of us struggles not to show it.
We get caught in this struggle to be perfect, and perfect people don’t hurt.
There’s a problem here: No one–not one person who has ever existed–has reached perfection. If you spend your entire life trying to be perfect, you will forever be disappointed in yourself.
Instead, we must focus on doing the best you can with what you have. It will never be perfect, and we have to be ok with that.
I still get sad sometimes. I still feel afraid on those few mornings a year that I wake up and don’t want to get up at all.
It happens still. But dealing with it is what gets me out every time.
I get up anyway. I work out. I run. I do yoga. I talk to someone. I cry it off. I write about it.
I deal and I know now that I can’t be perfect, and I am slowly coming to terms with that… still.
This fight for perfection was deemed by Brown as a way to numb painful emotions.
One of the most interesting parts of Brown’s TED talk was this piece of information:
“You cannot selectively numb emotion.”
As we are today, we try to numb pain in all its forms as much as is humanly possible.
We eat.
We drink.
We blame.
We hurt others so that they know our pain.
We make the unknown known and push away the things we can’t.
We perfect.
But we refuse to experience it.
If you’re anything like me, you might do this because:
You don’t know if you can handle the depth of your emotion.
You can’t control it.
It just doesn’t feel good.
You don’t know what will happen, and that unknown scares the begeezus out of you.
But you can’t solve anything if you refuse to deal with it.
I couldn’t do any of the work it took for me to crawl my way out of deep depression without choosing to face my life. What I was physically unhappy with, who I was keeping in my life for the wrong reasons, what I was doing that was sinking me deeper everyday.
The scariest part about this phenomenon:
By choosing to numb your pain, you’re numbing your happiness as well.
This was the part of Brown’s talk that really got me:
“You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.”
This frightens me like no other.
The idea of people closing off their lives to happiness, joy and gratitude for fear of experiencing the uncomfortable makes my heart sink.
So today, I’m going to urge you to face your numbing agents:
What do you do to numb your pain/happiness?
Can you select from the list above, or do you have another form of avoidance that you go to when times get rough?
Here are some ideas you might be able to pull from:
Eating, drinking, drugs, blaming, road rage, yelling, abuse, passive aggressiveness, controlling, perfecting…
Facing these things takes courage, but I know you have it in you.
If you’re hoping to change your life, you’re going to have to get into the uncomfortable a bit here.
Dealing feels that way at first. Well, it feels that way a lot of the time, let’s be honest.
But you’ll get through hard times faster, you’ll feel more presently and deeply, and you’ll recognize gratitude, love and happiness more often because you won’t be focusing so hard on refusing to feel!
This idea that you could be making yourself miserable when you have the opportunity to get out of it scares me more than I want to admit to you.
So I guess I’m asking you this:
How can I help you?
I’ve been there, I’ve felt that ache inside and tried to stuff it down. I’ve wanted to hide in a corner. I’ve wanted to end it all.
And yet, here I am now. It does get better.
How can I convince you that it’s possible, other than showing you?
What can I do, personally, to show you the light?
I want you to stop refusing to feel. I want you to end this blame game and start dealing.
Because you can do this.
Because you’re stronger than you think you are.
So how can I help you or those you know to come out of that dark place and start living the life you or they deserve?
What can I do?
Because I can sit here in my apartment and write all I want about it while people are out there hurting. While people are giving up.
I know your pain. I know where you are.
Let me help you out of it. Tell me what I can do to help.
In the comments below, tell me what I can do to help you start feeling, to start dealing so you can move on to the life you deserve to be living.
What topics do you want me to cover? Are you suffering and don’t know how to get out? What are you struggling with most? Are you scared to admit you’re struggling, or think there are other people out there struggling more, so you hesitate to reach out (I felt this way when I was struggling, too. Don’t- your pain is valid)?
If you don’t want to leave a public comment, email me personally instead.
Do you know someone who may be struggling? Please send this to them using the share buttons to the left side of this post, or tweet this by clicking below:
Say no to numbing your life. @StrongInsideOut wants to know how to help!
Also, if you’re having a hard time or want to help those who are, I highly recommend reaching out to the charity near-and-dear to my heart, To Write Love On Her Arms. They work to inspire hope in people who struggle with depression, self-injury, addiction and suicide with peer support.
If you need immediate support, please don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They effectively talked me down from the ledge when I needed it most.
Wherever you are in life, there is always hope. You are not alone in this.
…and if you haven’t by now, please go watch Brené Brown’s TED talk!
If you want to read more like this post, check out Perfect Is Boring and Make This Your Moment: My First Book.
Come join the Strong Inside Out community on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest!
all pictures adapted by me, original backgrounds by (in order): Pink Sherbet Photography, VinothChandar, kevin dooley
I was not going to this publically but i felt if i did, maybe it may help someone in a similar position.
My work and my circle of friends all perceive me as being someone who they come to for guidance and not someone that needs help.
Don’t get me wrong, I love helping others, it truly uplifts me. Ironically I’m immensely better at helping others than i am at helping myself.
I find it hard to reach out for help because I feel in the past when I tried, others were unwilling to help.
There are times when my emotions feel overwhelming but I’m unable to reach out.
Despite having a career I enjoy, I can feel empty. I have those days you mentioned where I don’t want to get of bed. Thankfully they are few and far between but they still hurt.
I suffer from survivor guilt.
My fiancée died in a car crash a few years ago and I feel guilty because she was travelling to see me. I haven’t really talked about that outside of counselling before.
So basically my life got turned upside down a few years back. I have for the most part put it together but my emotions sometimes raise their head to haunt me.
Thank you for your time.
Ethan, thank you so much for having the courage to share such a personal story openly.
Having “talked” to you a few times, I would have never known that you suffered from such a horrible loss. I commend you on your strength to stay positive and hopeful: you are such an inspiration!
I think the fact that you are out there trying to help people as much as you can is a testament to your refusal to feel. I’m sure you went through the gamut of emotions after hearing the news. It takes an extremely brave person to come out of that positively and help others from it. Thank you for being part of the community here on Strong Inside Out. We are no doubt stronger for having you!
Honestly speaking Amy, coming across your website actually helped me more than I originally let on when we “talked”.
My fiancée’s birthday would have been on the 1st of June and as you can imagine, its a terribly hard time for me.
During this time I think about her and also our unborn child she was carrying. It’s painful. I am confronted by the “what ifs” and guilt.
The whole event broke me, I dont mind admitting it. Yes, I put myself back together but that sort of emotional wound, leaves scars.
This year, her birthday it hit me a lot harder than I expected. I felt like giving up or shutting down.
It took all my strength to carry on with work etc. I was functioning on “autopilot” instead of being my usual postive self.
As the pressure was mounting I hoped and prayed that I may find some way of coming to terms, support etc.
Then by absolute accident, I found your blog.
After reading your profile and the stories of others, I didn’t feel alone anymore.
For me your blog is somewhere I feel understood and its literally a life saver for me.
I hope to be able to contribute and give back to you and all the wonderful members of the Strong Inside Out community.
Much love to each and every one of you.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for you Amy. Thank you for creating this community.
Hi Amy` First let me say how much I love your posts! I have been through a really rough year dealing with conflicts between my husband and my children. It got so bad that I checked myself into the hospital about 9 months ago because I was feeling suicidal. They put me on anti-depressants, which helped me alot. I really felt like a hypocrite, though, because most of my struggles had to do with my husband’s addiction to marijuana, his “numbing agent”. I was saying “You can’t take drugs, but I can”. Even though he stopped using (a year ago yesterday) my children moved in with their dad about 4 months ago and I feel like I’ve been divorced all over again. My husband and I are doing well, but I have tremendous guilt and sadness about them leaving. I’ve been thinking about weaning myself off the anti-depressant, but am afraid to feel that much pain again. What was the transition like for you?
Hi Jennifer!
First of all, thank you for your bravery, posting your story here today. YOu are one strong woman!
I am not one of those people who entirely writes off antidepressants; I used them at a time and though they weren’t the best for ME, I have very close friends who operate better and live happier lives for addressing those chemical imbalances with meds. It’s neither right nor wrong. Don’t feel bad. Maybe this is just how it needs to be right now. If you feel strong enough at this moment to start weaning, it might be something to talk to your Dr. about but make sure you talk to them first; I’ve heard awful stories from people who quit all at once.
For me, I concentrated on taking actions to make my life better before I started weaning off medication. My meds were actually focused more on my OCD, but the anxiety would often trigger the depression, so the meds were effective for treating that, too. When I went off my meds, I weaned very slowly (the time it was effective- I’ve done it the other way and it wasn’t smart) and actually started taking herbs in place of it. I’ve since gone off those as well. Under a Dr’s supervision, it wasn’t difficult to wean off, but I felt “ready” in my life to do it. Now exercise is my medication! ;)
I think the most important thing you have to ask yourself is this: what feels right for you right now? What is going to make you the happiest right now? It sounds like you’ve just gone through a rough point, so maybe gain some distance first, then start thinking steps. Or maybe, this will give you something else to concentrate on instead of dwelling on the painful situation. There are many answers, but only you can choose the “right” one. :)
I’m really sorry to hear about how you’re feeling, but I’m glad you’re here on the site, adding to the community. You are not alone in this! There are a lot of us here who have gone through those feelings and come out of it stronger, and you will, too! Let me know if I can help in any way!
Amy, I just wanted to tell you that you and your blog seem to have knocked something loose in my stuckness. I am one of those people who live at an uncomfortable level of unhappiness and have for many, many years. But as you said, I was not unhappy enough to take action. I always knew that no one was going to come knocking at my door to rescue me, but I had no idea what even one step forward looked like. Your posts have gotten me to finally realize that I must take action towards my own happiness, because no one else will do it for me. I started seeing a cognitive therapist earlier in the year, who is helping me to see things in a different way rather than in the same downer groove I’ve been in all my life. I also started personal training back in March to lose the weight I wanted to so that I could be comfortable in my own skin again. And now, finally, I am starting to see light again. I have to admit, though, that being happier and more confident is actually freaking me out a little bit. Change is good, but it can also be scary. But I am going to put the blinders on and keep moving and I just wanted to tell you that you have made a big difference in my life, so I don’t think you need to do anything more than you already are. Just keep being you and keep letting people know that they aren’t as different and alone as they might think they are. Thank you so much and keep writing and sharing.
Stefanie, I can’t tell you how much your comment means to me. Thank you!
I am so amazed at all the changes you’ve made to your life this year! I know what you mean about being freaked out, though: I got super freaked out in the beginning, too. Let me just remind you that YOU ARE WORTH IT! Don’t question that happiness- you’re working hard for it!
Thank you so much for sharing and for adding your amazingly inspirational presence to the Strong Inside Out community!
Amy-
For a long time now, I’ve honestly thought I was “alone” in my struggles with depression, substance abuse, health, etc. I’ve never met anyone else in my life that had similar problems as I do. I have believed that my circumstances are unique, and that I would never find the help I need to break out of this massive slump. I’ve always believed that change is possible, but fear and anxiety have kept me inside my dark, negative mindset. I am reaching a breaking point, in which I can no longer live this way.
I know I already sent you an email, but I wanted to just say again, after reading this blog I know that there really are people out there who have been in my shoes, and are in my shoes as I type. Just from a few hours of reading your blogs and your story, I feel a little uplifted! You are living proof to me that I too can make the journey toward empowerment and lasting postive change. I am taking first steps already. You’re a beautiful person, and I am very happy that I came across your website! Thank you.
James, I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I am so honored to have contributed to your journey to happiness.
You are most definitely NOT ALONE. There are a whole bunch of us that have overcome/fight the urge to sink every day.
YOU CAN DO THIS! And you will. Just stick with it, even when it gets hard.
I’ll check my email and get back to you soon!
So so so glad that you reached out and so happy to have you as part of the Strong Inside Out community!
Thanks for responding Amy! I’ve been pouring over your website for the past couple of days, and I’ve been looking at all the links you have posted to other sites. There is all kinds of information here that I find very uplifting and positive. I am definitely glad to be part of your community, and to be honest, I’ve always been skeptical of online blogs. This particular blog, and your story really hit me square in the chest; and although I know that I have possibly years of therapy and hard work ahead of me, I am inspired by you and the other wonderful people in this community! I am 32 yrs old, and I do not feel like I have really lived life at all because of my own choices and perceptions of myself and my life. I truly believe that I can do a 180, be happy, and start enjoying all that life has to offer. I’ve had some occurrences in my young adult life that have proven to me that I have the capability of greatness, and I know that ultimately being happy is my destiny.
Anywho, I check out stronginsideout daily now, and look forward to reading more posts from you and others here in this community! I also will be purchasing a copy of your new book as soon as I can afford it! Thanks again :)
James
I am so incredibly happy to hear that, James! ALL of it! :)
I can tell you that you most definitely are capable of greatness. No doubt. And even though the road may be unsure right now, just concentrate on every step at a time and delight in the small victories along the way!
I look forward to seeing more of you around here!
Just wanted to say thank you for posting this.. your posts always hit home, but this TED talk is exactly what I needed tonight. I will be sure to share it far and wide!
So glad to share it with you, Nini! :)