Assert Yourself
One of my long-time readers and supporters asked me a couple times to write a post on assertiveness, and I thought to myself, How?
Like I said in Thursday’s post, I have a long history of shyness. It’s only been a few years since I’ve come out of my shell and have been able to voice my opinions to the world.
I still have a hard time sticking up for myself sometimes because I despise blind defensiveness and the inability to hear what others have to say. I strive to make it a point in my life to listen, and truly consider the other side of the equation; there could be something I’m doing that I never realized before. This practice stops me in my tracks when defensiveness starts heating up my face, and allows me to open up my mind and learn from others.
There is a point, however, when you need to make your voice heard. When there is the threat of injustice, you should feel the freedom to speak up, no matter what the backlash may be.
This is where I have trouble today. I avoid confrontation like it’s the grocery store line that accepts checks. I have to actively talk myself into sticking up for what I believe in, no matter who’s yelling at me, disagreeing with me, or giving me guilt trips.
This is a learned trait. I have not been this way my whole life.
Facts:
•It doesn’t have to be about who’s wrong and who’s right. It can just be about making your voice heard.
•You are worth just as much as that person that is trying to pull one over on you.
•You deserve everything that everyone else does, and we all deserve the same. You must speak up to claim yours in many cases.
According to Dictionary.com, assertive means confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive;dogmatic.
Confidently self-assured. Ok, I can vibe with that.
To help you become self-assured–aka certain of yourself or sure of who you are–is one of my main driving forces for Strong Inside Out. So here are some steps you can take to become confidently self-assured/assertive when the time is right…
You Deserve To Be Heard
Your voice is the only one like it out there. If you stay silent and just hope that someone will find out how great you are, you may never get the chance to tell anyone what you think.
Why is anyone else’s opinion worth more than yours? Your opinion could save you or people you know from: wasting time, pain, or losing money.
Consider the fact that your voice could benefit others, rather than concerning yourself with the possibility of backlash or discouragement.
This step files under my motto, If it scares the s**t out of you, you’re probably on the verge of something great.
It’s intimidating when you start trying to assert yourself, I’ll give you that. When I first started to speak up, the fight-or-flight rush I would get would scare the begeezus out of me. What will everyone think? What if no one likes me after this?
If they don’t like it, F**k ‘Em.
You are who you are and sometimes personalities just don’t match. You will never please EVERYONE, so don’t try!
Remember these three things as you begin your journey towards confident self-assurance:
You deserve to be heard just as much as everyone else does.
You could help someone by speaking up.
Stop trying to be liked and be yourself because no one else is and that’s pretty cool.
Start Small
When making big scary changes like starting to stick up for yourself or speaking confidently about your qualities (in cases such as getting a job or selling your services), start with little things.
If you fear speaking up, try writing a confident email or note first. I know that I personally speak much better in writing than I do in real life or interviews. This way, you can sort out your thoughts to make sure that you don’t miss anything, and practice how you prefer to present your side.
If you’re terribly shy, simply try asking people for something. I find that with very shy people, even asking for something you need is anxiety-provoking.
Go to a store and ask a sales person where something is, or if they have a brand or product that isn’t on the shelf. Ask the cashier at check out if you can get that bag refund that you rightfully deserve for bringing in your own bags (I know it’s only 10¢, but it’s the principle, damn it! ;p). Ask the barista that accidentally made your drink wrong to please make it again. Do it politely of course, but keep in mind that you paid for it!
Small actions like these build up your confidence, proving that you can get good results from speaking up.
Ask for something small now so you can feel confident asking for that raise at work!
Listen- They Could Have A Point
As you get better at this and more confident in yourself, remember to actively listen to what others have to say. This is the quickest way to growth and keeps you from becoming a complainer or an a**hole (more on this later).
To take this step, you must be willing to stop yourself when you begin to feel the inklings of defensiveness. This pops up when someone disagrees with you.
Disagreement comes in many forms, many of which put us on the defensive because we consider them a threat. Caveman you is right to feel that rage arising because disagreement might mean a fight to the death!
Calm down your inner Neanderthal by taking a deep breath. This person most likely will not kill you, but you may shoot yourself in the foot if you speak too soon.
Take that breath (and a few moments after if necessary) to honestly consider the other person’s side.
Have compassion for what the other person believes. Many times, people just fight back because they can’t handle the blow to their ego. It’s ok. Sometimes, you can just let them have it. Others, when it affects you directly, you need to stick to the course. You deserve justice as much as the next person.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Know when to voice your opinions and when to keep your mouth shut.
Many people are scared of being assertive in the beginning because they don’t want to be viewed as cocky, arrogant, uncooperative, or just plain rude.
As you get better at voicing your opinions and your confidence starts to grow, remember that you don’t want to make other people feel the way that you felt before: discouraged and scared to speak up.
Act with empathy and compassion for the human condition, and you will rarely go wrong.
In each situation, ask yourself how much the result of making your voice heard would positively affect your life or the lives of others. Not at all or not much? Perhaps it’s a case to let slide. Quite a bit? Stick up for what you believe in and show them what you’ve learned!
Did you ask yourself that question and realize that it would negatively affect the lives of those around you? Be careful. You’re treading on the line between confidently self-assured and tyrannical. Avoid the latter by bringing yourself back to empathy and compassion. If you ask yourself again and realize that you need to do this to protect yourself, I would agree that there are some cases like that such as saying no to people when you’re spreading yourself to thin or defending your cancellation policy to a repeat offender.
This is where you-can’t-please-everyone comes in again. There will be some cases in which not everyone will be thrilled that you spoke up, but you need to do it to defend yourself. Stick up for you, just don’t stick up for a lot of things that don’t really matter.
*****
I hope these tips help you become more confident and sure of yourself. I know they are all things that I still work on every day.
What do you find most difficult about being assertive? What tip resonates the most with you? Do you have any tips to add?
Looking forward to hearing from you all about this topic!
photo 1 by Capture Queen ™, photo 2 by yoshiffles, photo 3 by B Rosen, photo 4 by gideon_wright
Hi Amy,
great tips!
You see, I never had problems to voice my opinion about a bad service in stores. I don’t consider myself shy at all. My problem is with people close to me – parents, boss, roommate and sometimes even some of my friends. Those are the people that I care about but they also push my buttons at times.
I struggle with having my voice heard. I rather suck it up than argue. I often feel like I have no choice :(
I think here is my problem, because those people got used to me behaving a certain way and they don’t want to change this status quo. When I suddenly stand up for myself, I’m being called “too defensive” or “too much drama”. What to do?
Ah. I understand your predicament, Eva.
When people get to know us one way, then see another side of us that they haven’t before, it’s a shock to them.
Your priority should be remaining true to yourself, or to find your truth if you have been hiding for a while. If you are just now finding your voice, it is uncomfortable at first.
Like I always say: Change is hard. You’re going to have to get uncomfortable.
For the people that say that you’re being defensive, or are too much drama, try having an actual heart-to-heart with them. Tell them that you feel like you are being stepped on or that you don’t feel like you are being heard. Try to keep yourself as calm as possible so they can’t pull the “drama card” on you. If you make it clear to them that it isn’t a personal attack on them directly, but rather a defense of your beliefs and values, they may relax a bit and understand where you’re coming from.
If that doesn’t work, don’t worry. They’ll get used to it. You’ll become more comfortable as you get more practice. Sometimes you just have to forge your own way and some people won’t like it. Just remember that you don’t need their permission to be a strong person. You just need to do it for yourself.
“If you make it clear to them that it isn’t a personal attack on them directly, but rather a defense of your beliefs and values, they may relax a bit and understand where you’re coming from.”
BINGO! I had a chance to actually use this strategy last night with my roommie and it worked. Thanks, Amy!
Of course, Eva! So glad it could help!
I love that you took the time to differentiate between being assertive and being a jerk. I think we see more and more that people who want to stand up for themselves feel like they have every right to act a fool to get their way. Being assertive and asking others to hear your voice also means showing enough respect to listen to theirs as well. Very good point. Keep standing up for yourself. If you need any help, I got your back. :-)
Bryan Weller recently posted..The New American Disability
You have great points as well, Bryan.
“…asking others to hear your voice also means showing enough respect to listen to theirs as well.”
That’s a great way to put that whole section on listening that I wrote! Love your insights!
Lots of good points here. Well done Amy! It’s tricky to stand up for what we believe in – especially if we’re pretty sure people won’t like us for it, or we might be forced into an argument or confrontation. But when we are assertive and speak up then we are empowered. But you’re absolutely right, no need to be loud or obnoxious. That is not what being assertive is all about.
I still struggle with speaking up to friends and loved ones about what I know is right. But one thing that seems to work is being careful not to be accusatory or to put them on the defensive. Use words wisely and you can both learn something and become more empowered.
Sarah O recently posted..Fasting And Detox – The Good, The Bad and The Excellent
I don’t blame you, Sarah. Like I said to Eva early in the comments, it’s a tricky predicament.
Family and friends have known you your whole life and if you have been scared to share your voice for most of it, when you begin it will likely come as a shock to them.
If you remember to employ the tactics I talk about here–such as coming from a loving, empathetic place, making sure to listen, and to choose your battles wisely–I hope that they would support and be empathetic to your journey of revealing your true self.
Great post Amy! I’m left with lots to think about. I completely agree with Eva’s comment earlier. It’s always most difficult to assert myself with loved ones. It’s those loved ones who think they know us best, but often only truly know what they want to know and what they are most comfortable with. And yes, they don’t necessarily like it when we change and decide we’re ready to stand up for ourselves. It’s also with those relationships that we have the most to lose, so it can become a cycle of what’s best for us vs. what’s best for them.
Yes I agree with you, Christine! This topic has come up 3 times now in this comment stream alone, so I definitely need to address it further!
You do have to think about what’s best for you, yes. You can, however, act in such a way that doesn’t put your loved ones on the defense. I find that it helps to inform loved ones that you are trying to speak up for yourself more. That way, it’s not so scary when it does come up. Also, if you act in a loving, understanding way AS you voice your opinion with a willingness to hear their side of the story, success will more often be the case.
At a point, you do have to remember that you are not here to make their lives easy by refusing to be yourself. You are you, and that is what’s so wonderful. People change, though it’s hard to understand especially for family. If they don’t come around as easily as you had hoped, don’t fret. They may just need some more time or conversation to understand it more.
i like it – if they dont like it, fxxk em!
so be it!
there will always be someone who will listen and like what we say
this world is big to fit everyone in!
Noch Noch
Noch Noch | be me. be natural. recently posted..challenging my worries
Exactly! :)
Thank you Amy,
I am currently in my 50′s and just now coming out of hiding and starting the scary road for asserting myself. It feels like sh.t…it feels uncomfortable…it feels very scary! But most of all it feels “RIGHT!” Not being who you are for fear of what others think of you is a very painful way to live…trying to please everyone 1st forgetting about the most important person..YOURSELF and feeling alone in the effort without any feedback until today has been difficult and at times depressing for me. Be Strong Inside Out really hit home with me. Just last nite I stood up for myself and people I know were like “Wow” and even I said “Who was that?” My journey has just begun..I and so grateful for the validation and freedom I have felt just reading your post. I cannot wait to read more…
Go, Debbie, Go!
I can’t tell you how much I love hearing that you’re finding that assertiveness for yourself. Yes, it’s scary. I hate confrontation like all get-out, but sometimes it’s necessary.
One of my favorite books is “A New World” by Eckhart Tolle. In it, he says that the difference between being rude/mean and being assertive/standing your ground is in the ego. When you act from a clear, loving place, it’s hard to go wrong, whereas acting from trying to be right and hold onto your pride never makes anyone feel good in the long run.
Looking forward to hearing more on how it goes!
Thank you Amy for your response. I will pick up the book you mentioned by Tolle “A New World”. Wow..I just got off the phone with my sister and it was not a good ending since my new assertiveness is not being well received. She was not hearing me because of her pride and ego. At least now I can identify it! I still have lots to learn and “Practice.” Your knowledge and feedback is very valuable to me…will keep you informed of my “Strong Inside Out” journey. You’re never too old to learn and make positive changes and I’m proof of that! Change is sooooo…challenging because of the discomfot …but worth the confidence and happiness being assertive will bring. :)
At the beginning, it may take a little bit for people to realize they can’t walk all over you anymore, but I think the respect will build as long as you make sure to come from that kind, loving place (rather than that “I’m right, you’re wrong” one). Stay strong, Debbie! Talk soon!